THE WORDORIUM - A Dictionary of Daffy Definitions

SINTILLATION

2007-11-08T08:43:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

sintillation: (n.) a tingly feeling in the toes common to tarty hearts and clowns who let their foot slip one too many times

As Esmerelda Henchwench, (a precocious primrose pathfinder and picayune polyglot of some renown whose favorite perfume is "musk turtle"), approached her panting paramour, (a chap by the name of Herman Ludwig Ferdinand von Heliogabalus whose pastimes include riding hobbyhorses, tossing tiddlywinks in a pot, and flipping blades in a mind-numbing game of mumblety-peg), she realized that the last time she had partaken of a role in the hay with Herman, he had worn silver spurs which besides leaving a great welt on her backside also caused severe sintillation in her excited extremities requiring the immediate attention of three physicians, her personal astrologer, and a frigging farmer, (the latter arrived on the scene with a pitchfork in hand that did little to relieve her agonizing anxiety).

Contributed by: George Mushroom-Cloud, a delightful duckhunter and music-box collector from Teaneck, New Jersey, home of such famous people as actress, Sarah Jessica Parker (Sex and the City) and mobster, Mickey Featherstone (now in the Witness Protection Program).

FLATTERCHATTER

2007-01-07T09:22:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

flatterchatter: (n.) descriptive of one with an incredible if not insatiable appetite for all forms of adulation, praise and recognition; (note: if the eyes are bigger than the head, it’s a dead-giveaway)

e.g. Before sitting down at her desk as supervisor of a state-of-the-art, brand-name, bagless, self-cleaning, upright vacuum Customer Service Center, Francine Frogworthy took a moment to reflect on life and adjust her durable, rechargeable, long-life battery lit, rust-proof, user-friendly titanium tiara with a high gloss finish featuring an embedded portable MP3 player including a built-in noise canceling system, digital mega bass and enhanced sonic performance not to mention a cordless phone with Call-Waiting/Caller ID, a do not disturb and mute button, a 40 name and number memory, melody ring tones, not to mention a VIP alert service and three snug-fitting, soft-silicone, full-range earbuds plus a color-coordinated, integrated, detachable neck strap; although much to her surprise she had to admit that today she was feeling a tad morose in the absence of her daily dose of flatterchatter provided by the minor minions reporting to her.

Contributed by: Wickwillow Tump, a distributor of tear resistant, odor absorbent, leak-proof training pads for pooches and seasonal resident of North Piddle (Worcestershire).

DARWHIMIAN

2006-12-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

The newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

darwhimian (adj.) descriptive of a unique psychological or physiological trait that makes one different, odd, or strange with but one redeeming feature, that it provides a distinct advantage over the other critters found on the totem pole of life

e.g. According to Dr. Friederich Forefinger, an eminent authority on The Darwhimian Theory of Evolution, there are far too many foibles of the fanciful forest to keep track of these days, espcially since the onset of a phenomenon known as "the galloping glut of glee" which has had a deleterious effect upon unfortunate or undeniably unusual creatures such as those with a peculiar proboscis like Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed Reindeer, a hide-bound heffalump who casually parades about as a pink elephant, a tiresome talking mule, and a flatulating flying pig -- all of whom are biting the dust faster than one can shake a stick at; regrettably however, this eloquent theory does not account for the abundant distribution of undifferentiated asses, bird-brains, donkeys, geese, dumb-oxes, loons, mooncalfs, and turkeys among those occupying the highest position on the tree hugger's favorite trunk of knowledge.

Contributed by: Frances Follygate, a passionate pole-dancer and international chute-de-chute champion (who can't seem to get her lipstick on straight at the best of times); some have attributed these unique talents to the fact that her libation-conscious lineage hails from Little Sodbury (Avon) in the United Kingdom.

COMITY OF ERRORS

2006-12-01T09:49:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

comity of errors (n. pl.) a loose sort of social harmony, casual courtesy or fleeting fellowship based on the mutual recognition of bloopers, blunders, boo boos, boners, botch-ups, and bungles.

e.g. The Commander-in-Chief of the famous Swaffham Bulbeck Biscuit Brigade, (known for their exploits in trouncing the tasteless if not truculent “Cookie Monster”), felt quite comfortable in the company of his arch enemy General Whatsit, (Supreme Commander of the Ripplesworth Rum Cake Regiment who once put a dipsomaniac dragon on ice with a dram of Captain Morgan’s); after all they were both bonded by an unusual comity of errors, i.e. big battles that fizzled or went flat as a pancake, an experimental escapade in a foreign land full of flakes, fruitcakes and nuts that deprived them of meat, fish and fowl for a year and obliged them to wear uncomfortable non-leather shoes and unfashionable non-wool clothing – clearly a fate worse than death, and of course, there were more than a few delightful damsel-in-distress deeds that unfortunately landed them in the drink on one occasion and in duck soup on the other, not exactly what one would describe as a thrilling night out on the town with a “timbit”, (a wee doughnut drenched in sugar), and would certainly not qualify either one of them for the prestigious "Best of A Bad Bunch" Award.

Contributed by: Pibsbury Swanibost, a vertically-challenged, vehicle appearance specialist (i.e. a shorter than average car washer), and a committed mycorrhizal fungi collector from King Arthur’s Court, Michigan

UMDRUM

2006-11-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

The newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

umdrum (n.) [um]+[drum] the pregnant pause associated with a pathetic person, a prosaic place, or a thankless thingumy gone thereabouts and that one wishes one had not encountered in the first place; not to be confused with other commonly known pregnant pauses such as "ah", "er", or "uh", or "dram", a small portion of drink that one could consume to forget all about an "umdrum"

e.g. As Sir Prance-A-Lot, (a colorful Carpet-Knight of some renown), approached the curious castle made of Owyhee Idaho spuds containing sugar, corn syrup, coconut, partially saturated vegetable oil plus one or more of the following: cottonseed, soybean, palm, not to mention cocoa powder, chocolate liquor, egg albumen, agar agar, salt, lecithin (an emulsifier), vanillin (an artificial flavor), potassium sorbate (a preservative) and sulfites, he had a nagging umdrum that he should have brought along his pair of spanking new spurs, his favorite hobbyhorse and his swishy swashbuckling sword to ward off any cookie monsters or candy trolls lurking about in the freaking forest run by a sourpuss named "Snow White" and a band of blowhards identified by authorities as "The Seven Deadly Dwarfs".

Contributed by: Sally Spinwam, "Our Lady of Lite Libations", and born-again bartender at the Church of Chuckles located on a highway off-ramp approximately half-way between a destination hot tub in Red Sucker Lake, Manitoba and a tantalizing town in the province of Nova Scotia called "Petoobook", a marvellous Mi'kmaq term meaning "a long dish full of salt water".

FREEP-SLEEP

2006-11-27T08:15:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

freep-sleep (n.) – descriptive of a slumbering state punctuated by the short sharp sounds of sliders and skillsaws in a bed of roses, a fancy fold-away camp cot, or a chic chesterfield; an expression coined by an intrepid Canadian Broadcast Corporation television technician with idle hands and a penchant for the mellifluous melody of a well-worn 'whoopee' cushion

e.g. As Foxy Fladderbister, (better known as "The Bombshell from Ballycumber"), examined the flatus-factor in the food menu at the tastefully appointed Vixen Vegan Restaurant on the corner of Glutt Lodge and Famagusta in Big Beaver, Saskatchewan, she realized that her need her forty winks without freep-sleep looked far more inviting than a plate full of wilted watercress coated in a tarty Tasmanian Devil dressing with a thick layer of fetid-smelling crumbly cheese on top, and a baby-bear-sized bowl of tepid to the taste squash soup garnished with three sticks of cinnamon, two half-baked croutons, and a sprig of fourteen-day-old, organically-grown, non-genetically-modified, atomically-delicious, grassy green parsley (or as Latin-lovers call it, "petroselinum crispum").

Contributed by: Chaucer Oswald-Twistle, (a scallywag of sorts, a part-time CBC clock-watcher, and a downsized miller by trade), has few accomplishments to his name other than feeling “slightly squeamish” about stamp-collecting or, as 14th century English put it, “somdel squaymous of farting”.

WAZOOPLE

2006-11-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

wazoople (n.) a member of the kowtowing, mealy-mouthed, apple-polishing, brown-nosing, sucky-faced, toad-eating family of frightfully fawning fruitcakes

e.g. Ruina didn’t know quite what to expect from this blind date, but from everything her friends had told her about the weak-kneed wazoople who occupied cubicle #33 beside the water cooler just three steps away from the ladies’ loo and the vexing vending machine that made stale soup every Thursday, he certainly seemed like a harmless enough fellow; after all, she wasn’t exactly a long-legged, high-stepping, tap-dancing member of the world-famous Radio City Rockettes, but in a pinch she knew how to bat her eyelashes unobtrusively and smile since having her braces removed last week, and could maneuver majestically around a dance floor provided she wore a grade-A girdle, two pairs of pantyhose, and had access to a music map with a built in Global Positioning System lest she lose the beat or her way, whichever came first.

Contributed by: Oughterby Papigochic, a part-time airline baggage-handler from Frying Pan, California who in his spare time just adores leaping onto tables with sword in hand and pulling battleaxes, coats-of-arms, and miscellaneous muskets off the wall in one fell swoom, just to impress anyone who will watch him in the faint hope that they might help him realize his lifelong ambition, to land a walk-on part in a Hollywood horror film.

CAD RAGS

2006-11-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

cad rags (n. pl.) form-fitting fashion items worn only for display purposes in pulp novels, usually to impress cuisine-conscious cougars out for a night on the prowl

As the Queen of Shebang entered the pungent pantry overflowing with amatory aromas, lavishly melodramatic mood-music sprinkled with copious amounts of candlelight, she knew she was in for a potent pot of perturbations when she spotted the cad rags lurking ever so noticeably behind a scintillating shelf of assorted All-Clad nonstick cookware, beneath a rather grand grilling tool set, and just to the right of a cabinet filled with some rather intriguing small superfluous appliances offering a lifetime of use with a money-back guarantee if not entirely satisfied with the product; ooh-la-la she thought...was this what the Galloping Gourmet had in mind when he offered his fair maidens a night of culinary delight?

Contributed by: Nempnett Thrubwell, a safety-conscious skidoo-driver in the Royal Geographical Society Islands, Nunavut, (a wonderful place to visit particularly if one enjoys cold comforts be they cold feet, cold shoulders, or cold sweat not to mention cold turkey on special occasions such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Canada Day.)

FLEEPLE

2006-09-06T12:33:00.000-07:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

fleeple (n.pl.) a strange sub-species of Homo sapiens known for being here one minute and gone the next, especially at rubber chicken lunch meetings and boring cocktail parties

e.g. Gertrude Noohoo, the 52-year-old former owner of the quirky yet beloved “Scourge of Fort Dork”, (a fine-dining eponymous establishment in Bucksnort, Tennesse), couldn’t wait to tell her nearest and dearest friends all about seeing three entertainingly enigmatic if not equiponderant documentaries entitled, I like Killing Flies, UNdone, and Camp Lonely-Hearts which opened to lukewarm leisure-challenged audiences and somewhat chilly reviews at military museums across North America; frankly, nothing would phase this fanciful fleeple in the least as Gertie couldn’t have given a flying paint fleck or tacky tank tune what the so-called artsy-fartsy critics claimed were far too many aim-to-please platitudes, skin-deep clichés, and paltry punning that went way over the heads of hokey folks and members of the hoi polloi.

Contributed by: Talladega Tucker, a seasoned slacker, squeeze-waxer, and sleight-of-hand wand-waver from a bilious backwater burg called “Beans Corner Bingo” in Maine if you please.

NIXPERT

2006-07-23T10:32:00.000-07:00

Newest Addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

nixpert (n.) one who is paid to delete expletives, after the fact, from public comments made by very important people whose brazen bit of blankety blank blather was inadvertently broadcast to every one and his dog, proving once again the vital role played by the Booboisie

e.g. As the President of Pancakes, Popcorn & Porkbellies leaned over to ruminate upon a big baloney sandwich recently rescued from a plate of wimpy watercress wedgies, he noticed that his eminent colleague, (a blatherskite from Bubble & Squeak Land) had what appeared to be a stupefied look on his usually misbegotten mug featuring a rather sanctimonious stiff upper lip; he then realized that his blase brand of blurts and bleeping boo boos about how to send unwelcome relatives and vexing visitors packing with the aid of voice-activated whoopee cushions and 'smart' stink bombs would undoubtedly keep the army of nixperts on the government payroll employed for yet another day in the larger than life saga of the greatest grand pooh bah the world had ever known.

Contributed by: Suzie and Shuck Low-Beer, high-school sweethearts from way back then and currently co-owners of the George & Dragon Suds Shoppe, in Dry Prong, Louisiana

POINT-NO-POINT

2006-07-22T15:57:00.000-07:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

point-no-point (n.) term referring to the gaping gap in logic existing between either side of a completely ridiculous argument that neither has a hope in heck of winning with or without the help of God, the Big Kahuna, or a secular soul better known as The Jolly Green Giant

e.g. Before beginning his lecture on “How to discover the unexpected by avoiding the blooming obvious”, Harry Hobnob B.Sc., M.B.A., Ph.D., (Professor of Piffle & Poppycock Affairs at the noted World Headquarters of Adroitness & Tedious Studies of Innocuous Things (WHATSIT), suggested that his sacred-cow-inspired seminar participants all agree politely to adopt the principles of point-no-point and parenthetical phrases which more often than not forms the foundation of every dreary dialogue and drab debate known to flourish among Men from Venus and Women from Mars who sadly enough spend most of their time engrossed in devil's advocate games not to mention nauseous nights of nit-picking over who serves the best fair trade organically-grown beans or weeds in a very weird world full of frankfurters, sausages and wieners plus excess of backyard BBQs, bleeding hearts, and bow-legged broncobusters.

Contributed by: Sir Gadabout, a part-time prince of platitudes, pleasantries and paltry puffery, who is on vacation somewhere off the beaten track…more accurately described as a pathetically placid place few might ever wish to set foot in, even if Hillary Duff put her tawdry toe on a stage there …Puyallup, Washington.

LICKENTIOUS

2006-07-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

lickentious (adj.) descriptive of one who is capable of thrusting out his tongue long enough to graze lasciviously over a lollypop or alternatively, sensuously smacking his lips after slurping up a soft ice-cream cone while simulataneously eyeballing a rather fetching piece of arm candy

e.g. The rip-roaring, rip-snorting rutterkin, (also known by his adlubescent acquaintances as a bit of a reelpot at the local Picktooth & Paunch Pub), dismounted from his rebellious rocking horse in either a dringling or a drubbling manner …he couldn’t remember which …just in time to catch a gargantuan glimpse of a blossoming bellibone emerging from the popular Painted Turtle Guest House, (formerly the Waddling Dog Inn for WASPS & Waywards); the good news is that luckily the lickentious lad landed squarely on his flat feet while the bad news is he lost his torrid tequila, hot sauce and black-pepper-flavored candy-on-a-stick during this decidely fruitless if not flapdoodling encounter.

Contributed by: Lothario Limpwater from Sucker Flat, California, a facile cross-cultural character who, though his lute-playing days are over, has fortunately found solace in a recent career change gig as the New-Age author of “A Solitary Sojourn to the Centre of an Egg” - making him a hit at tiny tot birthday party, tasteless tippling tournament, or raucous retirement roast.

VAULTITUDINARIAN

2006-07-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

vaultitudinarian (n.) one who is exceptionally gifted at jumping to conclusions in a single bound, without either the need for an excuse or the benefit of a safety net

e.g. Tired of having to constantly check on his culinary creation of grilled goodies (i.e. a herd of woolyless mammoths on bamboo skewers over a wimpy charcoal barbecue) without the aid of his “Thermor Deluxe Remote Thermometer”, the glad-handing gadget guru put down his can of cold beer and buttered baguette long enough to blurt a few butt-bashing blasphemies under his noticeably bad breath just as his next-door neighbor, (a well-known vaultitudinarian from Twitty, Texas), dropped by to offer some timely if not tacky advice on how he used his new “Danesco Beechwood Muddler” to squish the heck out of some barbarous berries, malicious mangos, and kick-ass kiwis thereby gaining a fancy foothold in hip bars and clubs across America not to mention a plush patio party hosted by a pair of celebrity pepper patch lovers with a penchant for pesticide-free green rabbit ears and leftover organically-grown ears of corn on the cob from the fridge.

Contributed by: Willard Murfle Espy, a chronologically-gifted stargazer and rollicking rum-and-coke enthusiast from the tiny town of Tunapuna, Trinidad.

STUPENDOTOMY

2006-07-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

stupendotomy (n.) a firm clamping of the tongue to the roof of one's mouth so as to avoid having to endure the utterance of any super-macho salutations like “yo bro” or mealy-mouthed expressions such as “that’s totally awesome”.

e.g. Before entering the cactus-colored double-door with a green gargoyle conveniently stationed at the entrance, and a blinking neon welcome sign that read, “Lobelia Locoweed, D.D.” , Fritz Fogdog began leafing through some light reading material entitled, Adventures in Food for the Romantic, the Foolhardy, and the Brave, (especially the chapters on "How to Stage a Bacchanalian Orgy" and "A Personal Journey Into Extreme Flatulence") but tossed it aside for a well-worn 1953 atlas appropriately titled, “Strange & Sundry Places To Visit Sometime” which proved infinitely more entertaining if not helpful by ensuring that he had come to the right location to enjoy a spot of tea as it should be, a plate of assorted pigs-in-a-poke, and a smidgen of mangled mood music by the late Quibbling Quartet who passed away suddenly during a freak yoga floor exercise program, ...and just in the nick of time mind you as he realized that he really didn't want a routine gum power-wash, a purple paint job on his two front teeth, or an exciting new procedure called a “stupendotomy”, (recommended by his mirthless mother-in-law not to mention his bow-legged bride-to-be and his bleeping boss - even if it was covered by the company’s doozy of a dental plan).

Contributed by: Regina Snakeroot, a parched, palm-shaded patio-based princess who's known to partake of several thirst-slaking libations before retiring every now and then to her breath-taking boudoir, (equipped with an automatic commercial grade ice crusher in addition to the finest fresh fruit known to man plus a marvellous muddler, a glass cocktail shaker and simply oodles of male muscles all conveniently found in a quaint concupiscent castle near Bar Haven, Newfoundland).

SOBALITY

2006-03-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

sobality (n.pl.) an organized society of sobbing or sucky-faced sylphs who have never learned how to hurl humungous thunderbolts of laughter at patriarchal patterns of punditry

e.g. Fighting back the tears, Hester Weepinghoffer, (an eye-biting spinster of some renown), began poking about in her bottom drawer full of yellow and green polka-dot colored anti-flatulence pills, five vintage cat-scratching women’s magazines, several easy-to-prepare tasty troll recipes recommended by the head chef at the "Gristle Grill", plus a half-hearted attempt at writing her rather messy memoirs before it dawned her that she had spent more than 3.72 decades twiddling her thumbs, touching her toes, and tinkling the ivories on occasion just to keep up appearances – all part of her less than satisfying sojourn into a life of sobality as Executive Director of “The Hoodoo House for Hags with Hang-ups” (which probably had something to do with her unconventional early childhood years among a joint-smoking band of soothsayers and spin-doctors to Hollywood stars and a depressing dog named “Blue Who”) – but this was all about to change as she contemplated a week of crap-shooting in Las Vegas along with those three long-forgotten feelings of utter frivolity, unadulterated triviality, and wholesome vanity.

Contributed by: Pandita Dworkin-Gubar, (born in Ottumwa, Iowa), and author of a pedantic piece of piffle entitled, “Book of Nasty Nymphs, Sniveling Sylphs, Pouting Pygmies, Simpering Salamanders, and Karate-Challenged Kindred Beings”, published by The Verbal Vixen Karate Institute of Wacahoota, Florida

WEEPLE

2006-02-26T08:27:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

weeple (n.) that part of melting wax that dribbles off a candle holder onto a pristine tablecloth leaving a frightful mess to fix or, a birthday candle without a wick that leaves the celebrant in a sobbing state of affairs and yet another god-awful glitch to resolve toute de suite.

e.g. Druzzil Ethan Damnaglaur, an inferior minstrel player whose saving grace was a rather odd form of genteel gesticulation, experienced an unfortunate turn of events recently involving an altercation with a 15 lb. English dictionary, a regrettable passage of ill wind in the small gut, and a whopping if not woebegone weeple leaving everyone in its wake snorting, snuffling and squiggling with a curious “what now?” look on their faces as they tried to bring some semblance of order back to a preposterous state of affairs that can best be described as where to stick a smoking match so it won’t discourage people from lighting their own fire – instead of waiting around for someone else to light it for them - be it God, Godot or just the smiley-faced Man from Glad.

Contributed by: Zelda Awdly, a professional tea party-tosser and part-time periphrastic pink slip writer from Grand Detour, Illinois.

MINGAFLING

2006-02-25T08:40:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

mingafling (n.) a tiny piece of some unpleasant smelling thing one can’t extricate and exterminate because it’s in a difficult-to-get-one's-hands-on nook or cranny somewhere.

e.g. Fritz Fantastico, (owner of the famous "Honky Tonker Hideaway & Hooch House" in Mosquitoville, Vermont), in a moment of booze-fuelled bliss decided that he really needed to take a powder in order to get out from under a blanket of chaos and a kiss gone wrong – so after a period of pithy pondering he surmised that watching a squeaky-clean musical-variety TV show with a few of his bosom beer buddies from Lick Skillet, Virginia might give him a new lease on life – little did he know however that his refrigerator (covered with inspiring affirmation magnates ...like "You Only Live Once -- So Supersize Your Popcorn!") was remarkably bare with the exception of a mangled mess of mathematical equations lying limply on the second shelf and a murky mingafling which he soon realized he could not nurse back to health without the aid of a minor miracle, let alone hope to find in the nick of time anytime soon.

Contributed by Parker Lunch, (born in Hungry Horse, Montana), who spends a good deal of time toe-wrestling and musing about the cause of bumps in the night that many of us hear and refuse to do anything about because we don’t like surprises, whether good or bad.

FLUMFELT

2006-01-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

flumfelt (adj.) the anxious, awkward, or aplomb-less feeling one experiences in the pit of one’s stomach after searching vainly for a pair of non-existent car keys in a pocket, a purse, or a padded piece of furniture

e.g. It was a little too soon to tell whether Ziggy Baldwinton (a 40-something, paunchy, poker-faced, pig-skin couch potato) would simultaneously be able to bite his lower lip, unfurl his heavy brow and refrain from pulling his hairpiece off considering the flumfelt manner in which he found himself a mere two minutes before the final 2006 Cow Head Curling Championship game between the DogPond Devils and the Gander Gargoyles (available for the first time via a brand-new gizmo called a “Titovator” better known as an Internet capable, video-streaming, MP3-playing, picture snapping, text-messaging cellular phone come-personal-digital-organizer); so his friends decided to throw an “I Ching” to ask their ancient ancestors from Camel Hump, Wyoming whether they should tentatively tear his place apart (which quite frankly perturbed his free-range pet frog named “Gretel” who didn’t exactly warm up to the idea of life without a bowl of barbecue-flavored low-carb chips, a bonsai tree, and a wall-mounted moosehead to offer sustenance, shelter and a fine opportunity to engage in a bit of cheap, neither-here-nor-there chit-chat).

Contributed by: Delilah Lounsbury-Lovewell, a professional paint-by-numbers art critic and proprietor of the Flying Fig Bed & Breakfast in Lucky Man, Saskatchewan (Canada).

ARTACHOKE

2006-01-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

artachoke (n.) any piece of truly awful art work that obliges the viewer to gasp, giggle, or gulp involuntarily causing 1) a modest moment of mayhem, 2) a tiny tempest in a teapot or, 3) a rather ripsnorting riot resulting in the laying of a 'public mischief' charge.

e.g. Receiving a black-tie invitation to attend the annual Cheeky Cherub Art Exhibit & Auction to be held on February 14th in Tightwad, Missouri, Uriah Possumneck checked his brown-nosing "to-do list" on his trusty 'Whizbanger', (a nifty new photo, video, graphics, text messaging, email, music playing, personal organizing digital do-it-all device), to see if he had any previous engagements that evening as he couldn’t bear missing the chance to pick up an artachoke for his paint-by-numbers blonde bombshell main squeeze, not to mention two more mundane masterpieces to spruce up the breathtakingly barren washroom walls of the Big Buzzard Bar (located on the 19th hole of the Cheapskate Country Club & Casino); although if truth be told, he didn't really relish the thought of doing a short stint as Master of Ceremonies for this dazzling rubber chicken gala affair unless it came with a "golden parachute" or at the very least a “Get Out of Jail Free Card" for his estimable eupeptic efforts.

Contributed by: Dwayne Crummies, a dedicated refuse recycler and bubble gum baseball card collector from Oven Fork, Kentucky but raised in a comfy little place called Lick Fork (in the same state).

OINKMENT

2005-12-19T08:23:00.000-08:00

Newest Addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

oinkment (n.) a serendipitous salve used by mavens of mirth to transform sows’ ears into silk purses

e.g. Bambino Spumante, a veritable vixen of vacuous verbiage and part-time pastry, cookie and pie chef at the Fat Cat Café, had but one thing on her mind … on second thought perhaps it was more like three…which can be difficult to juggle if one’s working in a hot kitchen where creations are apt to come apart, wilt, or even melt (definitely not something that should happen during any politically-correct happy holiday season), which is why she decided that she needed three goofball gizmos or goofing-off gifts for herself such as a “Big Chill Pastry Board” (to cool down the workplace of course), a fragrant jar of oinkment (guaranteed to deliver better results than a pig in a poke), and several superb bling-bling bottles of, “Any Old Tequila Will Do”, “Berry Merry Beer” and “Sourpuss Shiraz” (to dress up her kitschy den and homey watering hole designed to quench the thirst of glockenspiel go-getters, alpenhorn types, and flutophone enthusiasts who can’t hold a note worth tooting about but tell super-sanitized jokes for the cocktail crowd who usually drop by for the piddling entertainment provided by a few potty professors of poetry, a crafty barstool origamist making boozy conversation pieces while others groove to the tunes of “Two Twittering Tenors”, “Chicken Soup & The Dumplings” not to mention internationally-popular DJs such as “Libation Nation” from Nannycatch Meadows in Northern England, and “Hot Sock” all the way from the famed “Sooke Potholes” on the outskirsts of a quaint capital city full of gregarious gnomes and gleaming gardens, better known as Victoria, British Columbia in a cold country affeactionately called C-A-N-A-D-A!)

Contributed by: Pokey Edge, a professional tortoise breeder/racer, and sci-fi super-duper heroine who goes by the pseudonym of “Simone Ganoot-A-Hooter” - Chief Information Officer on a state-of-the-art intergalactic train of thought dubbed “The Answer to Everything”, (instead of its engineering nomenclature, X-Tech-1.047.342.M-Z5.06A.NOV).

REINBEER

2005-12-05T11:10:00.001-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Reinbeer (n.) the name of the official bubbly brew left by kids to quench the thirst of Santa’s sleigh-pullers leaving them slightly pie-eyed or potty resulting in impromptu shenanigans not to mention oodles of telltale yellow spots in the snow

e.g. As usual, "Donner" and "Blitzen" were complaining about the decline in the value of their stockholdings at the BubblyBewery this year, "Dancer" and "Prancer" were discussing the merits of a new pay-raise package being proposed by the Old World Christmas Creatures Union, "Dasher" was knee-deep in a ridiculous debate with a clueless Canadian politician over the impact of global warming on the vital moss and lichen habitat in the Arctic, "Comet" and "Cupid" were fulfilling their community service obligations by delivering a safe-sex and reproductive health seminar to a group of environmentally-conscious zoo keepers, "Vixen" was clearly quite upset about the shoddy quality of bling-bling for sale at the biggest discount box store on earth and how this might prevent her from winning the coveted “Beautiful Beast” title this year, while last but not least, "Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed-Reindeer" was far too busy sampling the suds, (better known as “Reinbeer”) to give two hoots about the very long night that lay ahead of them ...especially having to listen to a sybaritic fellow named "Santa", (all dressed up in a chartreuse satin suit with sequins and sparkles not to mention white fur trim accessories), and yodelling "Ho-Ho-Ho" wherever he goes!

Contributed by: Gladiola Hiquebran, an avid “re-gifter” of numerous odds and sods, who lives on Jingle Pot Road in the "World Capital of Bathtub Racing", Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada (also known as the Land of Ice & Snow and home to the hugely popular “Ho-Ho-Ho Hunk”!)

PLUMPKIN

2005-10-31T12:49:00.000-08:00

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

plumpkin (n.) a joy-challenged, abundantly-proportioned, gaunt-looking gourd with little going for her except the fact that she was raised by a peanut-farmer from Turkey Scratch, Arkansas

e.g. Rose Ripplebelly, a shy plumpkin, retired to her 24-bedroom mansion in Bummerville, California, (with features such as far too many well-appointed ensuite bathrooms painted environmentally-friendly hues of orange and green, an air-conditioned doghouse with a surround-sound meditation music system for her magnificent mutt named "Nuts of Knowledge" , and a rather humungous, heart-shaped, hot-tub), in order to contemplate how to define the central role that effective public relations, marketing, and development plays in the management of contemporary museums that no one wants to visit even with such great giveaways as a free supply of Halloween Kisses for one year, a magic bag of Kryptonite, and autographed copies of “Frosty is a Stupid Name”, “Mrs. Goodhearth and the Gargoyle”, and “Peek-a-Little Boo”.

Contributed by: Topher Many-Farms, a retired dentist from Floss, Arizona (but raised in Why, Arizona because his parents didn’t even know that Whynot, North Carolina existed).

BOOBONIC PLAGUE

2005-10-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

boobonic plague (n.) a particularly pesky pestilence caused by a boisterous bacterium (Yokelinia pestis), characterized by the appearance of far too many blunders, boo-boos, and bungling behavior associated with a segment of the general public usually regarded as rather boobish or boorish because of their assinine ability to fall precipitously into booby hatches and booby traps of their own making, not to mention their penchant for winning a boodle of booby prizes awarded either by boob tube tycoons or by esteemed members of the booboisie.

e.g. Ruina Remi-Dee-Roo-Reitsma-Street realized that perhaps she had come down with a touch of the boobonic plague after signing up for a self-directed learning package from The University of Slippery Rock (in Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania) entitled, "Lipogrammatic Books -- or 1,001 Obscure Points for Your Perusal" featuring a wide assortment of wobbly works of wonderment such as Voyage Autour du Monde Sans la Lettre A, (for those who can't abide the letter "A", even though it appears in the title five times); Gadsby, (a 300-page manuscript amounting to 50,000 words, none of which contain the letter "e" which is by far the most common letter in the English language), and several tedious tomes among them, "Pugna Porcorum", (written by a lesser known scribe of the 16th century, one Publius Porcius who featured words beginning with the same letter such as "p" ...which is fine if you enjoy wading through umpteen pages of thin Latin plot lines like, 'Plaudant porcelli, portent per plaustra patronum').

Contributed by: Harmi Behoof-Tubbs, a trainee gravestone cutter from Smartt, Tennessee (whose favorite book, The Feminin Monarchi; or, The Histori of Bees written by Charles Butler in 1634 is rather unique in that the author uses phonetic spelling throughout his pithy piece of pedantry).

TOMSNOOTERY

2005-09-01T16:51:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

tomsnootery (n.) the ability to look down one’s nose at an inconsequential bit of fluff without losing one’s sense of decorum or one’s concentration during a particularly lively rendition of “Pop Goes the Weasel”

e.g. Hilda had to admit, she had lost her scintillating snob appeal of late; not that there was anything terribly wrong with that but receiving a hand-delivered, gilt-edged invitation to the annual Belle of the Big Ball might be rather hard to come by unless she could muster up a fancy faux-fox, a seductive XXL gown with sumptuous cleavage, plus a rather fine pair of two-toned, steel-toed stilettos before her half-sotted next-door neighbor and wild-boar hunting companion, Viscount Hogarth Drainville, got wind of her tomsnootery plan to reclaim her rightful spot as “Queen of Kitsch” at the upcoming pointless party of the year to be held on Friday, September 23rd at 8:00 pm sharp in the "Sargeant Preston of the Yukon Hospitality Suite" of a well-known mud-wrestling and popular bull-riding venue called the "Cup and Saucer Hotel" in Brush Coulee, Alberta (a hop, skip, and a very long jump north of the 49th parallel).

Contributed by: Plotinus Ouspensky, an amateur clown from Butter Pot, Newfoundland and author of the celebrated work, “New Dimensions in Deep Analysis of Things That May Not Actually Exist Without Assistance From A Magic Mirror”, published by Ghastly Ghost Publications of Carry The Kettle, Saskatchewan

BLENDSETTING

2005-08-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

blendsetting (n.) descriptive of those whose primary mission in life is to mingle in a crowd, melt into the woodwork, or blend comfortably into a cake batter but can’t quite accomplish this feat since they’re not truly transparent or tasty enough to fool anyone

e.g. Mundiggler von Aderkrass, a retired thumbtack and grommet sales rep from Ma-Ma-M-O Beach, Alberta soon realized that he'd made a terrible mistake in signing up for a Thursday afternoon course (at the University of Something or Other), entitled “The Deep Dark Secrets of Ancient Egypt’s Goddess of Turquoise”; and, if truth be told, he really didn’t give a tinker’s damn about the windswept plateaus in the Sinai Desert, a Proto-Sinaitic language that has so far defied translation, or a tawdry lot of twelfth dynasty dudes wandering about in the sand looking for clues as to what to prepare for dinner after a hard day of digging in the Milquetoast mines of Serabit el-Khadim…all of which meant that he should have trusted his gut instinct and enrolled in, “Blendsetting for Beginners” – the easy way to pick fluff off Velcro and other synthetic fibres.

Contributed by: Elblag Trismus, (born in Beans Corner Bingo, Maine during the Age of Aquarius), is a celebrated connoisseur of certified 100% organic pedigreed beef, (of course naturally-raised in a breathlessly bucolic if not serene setting, that makes tracing the origins of the Black Angus Bull back to the glimmer of magic in the eyes of its hoofed parents a relatively stress-free endeavor as hobbies go)

WORDHOG

2005-08-16T13:26:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

wordhog (n.) an in-your-face, smirky sort of creature that monopolizes water-cooler conversations by thrusting his nouns, verbs, and adjectives down the throats of unsuspecting victims who haven’t got a ghost of a chance of finding their way out of a boogie bag let alone a barnyard of bad dudes and equally bad smells

e.g. As Gertrude Goosecruives entered the two-toned, shocking blush-rose and vibrant pea-soup colored piano bar, aptly called the “Pink Panther Palace”, she knew she would be tickled pink, but the last thing she expected was to be accosted by someone calling himself a rough-necked “road monkey” (from some god-forsaken place in Canada, known as Attawapiskat), which probably accounted for the reason why he kept asking for directions to the nearest water-cooler, where to buy “boogie bags”, and more to the point, if a wordhog by the name of Lord Leaping-to-Conclusions was in the premises or if anyone had died lately as a result of an unexplained verbivore attack causing bar bunnies to flee the scene at the first opportunity and bartenders to leave any change left over from patrons ordering aperitifs, pre-prandials, and chasers in rather large wet puddles on the bar, (all which did not appear to sit well with the maintenance supervisor responsible for removing wads of yellow-jaundice gum, a canister of malodorous mulch plus other perfectly normal odds and sods found lying about in the place when it finally closed at 3:31 am sharp).

Contributed by: Chuchi Pettibone, a colorful back-stabbing blurbist from Worby, Manitoba employed by “Tuesday Magazine”, (an award-winning lifestyle publication of interest to those who have a keen interest in soap relationship difficulties, renting an apartment to aliens, pressures from depressed pets, and controversial social issues such as when to use dental floss so it won’t disturb your next-door neighbors or the inhabitants of your aquarium)

DOGUMENTARIAN

2005-08-04T09:35:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

dogumentarian (n.) a dazzling dogmatic member of the doggone dogdom clan whose bark is worse than his bite

e.g. As a dedicated dog-trotting dogumentarian, a fast-rising Dog Star in the House of Common Critters, and Prime Minister Responsible for Dogcatching & Dogwatching in the only nation on earth comprised of hot dogs and roasted weenies, Sir Wilfred Whiffin was not interested in letting sleeping dogs lie unattended for too long, so he obligingly left the comfort, security and safety of his red and yellow striped doghouse with a heated dog-paddling pool to review the facts related to the latest doggo disaster and dire set of circumstances surrounding the disappearance of a high-profile dog and pony show from a dogleg vestibule in the Ministry of Dogsleds & Casual Living where a rather dog-eared, dog-faced, doggy-bag sort of fellow known by his colleagues as "Spot-On" accompanied by his associate, a dog-in-the-manger mule named "Frances" were practicing the limbo while waiting for some tootling top dogs to present a white paper on the need to fund a research study on the previously unexplored topic of who makes the best dogs-breakfast; frankly the whole thing didn't stand a dog's chance of success, which is why Sir Whiffin didn't want to woof too loudly as this might inadvertently cause a dogfight among among his dog-owning constitutents, undoubtedly attract far too much negative attention from the mangy media, not to mention ruin his dogged determination to become re-elected for the twenty-third time as "Numero Uno on the Dog-Pile" -- meaning he would face an uncertain future if not a dogsbody destiny as a doomed dognapper (...and "biting the biscuit" certainly was not on his list of 10 fun things to do before he died and descended into a dog-eat-dog place like Pooch Purgatory).

Contributed by: Paganini Jones, a voracious verbalist with a penchant for split infinitives and double entendres and more recently, a vivacious voo-dooing vocalist in the hugely popular hip-humming triangle-playing trio known as, "The Trout-Fearing Tinmen" from a great little whole in the wall place called Goochland (Virginia)

__________

Credit also goes to Julia and Mark Lucich, a wonderful team of talented artists on Saltspring Island whose fertile imagination and hands have created some very fanciful floating sculptures and assorted "Party Animals" to be seen at http://www.landingpartygallery.com

OOPSOTOMIST

2005-08-02T08:47:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

oopsotomist (n.) one who is noted for being rarely on the ball, on the beam, or on the button for that matter

e.g. Horace Shufflebottom, hurried quickly out of his environmentally-friendly water closet, actually it was more akin to a convenient composting and comfortable communion spot which he shared with his best friend, (a humble, easy-to-read earthworm named Boris, whom he felt at one with since any earless, eyeless, legless and slimy species that could convert veggie peelings into fertilizer overnight, slither about with grace, and only occasionally grunt if he didn't get a good-sized daily ration of cabbages and horeseradishes - undoubtedly a big boon especially in this day and age of backstabbing, boondoggling and far too much skullduggery); only an oopsotomist by nature would even consider coaxing an earthworm out of his underground home by belting out a bouncy burlesque tune on a medieval horn with tassles attached...which is why he decided it was high time that he and Boris sign up for the World Worm Charming Championship this year in Worms, Nebraska!

Contributed by: Nybster Nubbock, a lusty lorry driver from Lutton Gowts (a place few have ever heard of nor intend to visit in what remains of their precious lifetime)

ELFFRONTERY

2005-07-23T11:05:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Elffrontery (n.) a daring display of deity-impaired-ism as in 1. a bad-tempered Buddha 2. a brash brownie 3. a cheeky cherub 4. a disorderly demon 5. a disparaging dryad 6. a defiant dwarf 7. a flippant fairy 8. a forward faun 9. a graceless genie 10. a nasty gnome 11. a hypercritical harpy 12. a high-handed hobgoblin 13. an indecent incubus 14. a loud-mouthed lepruchaun 15. a mocking mermaid 16. a meddlesome merman 17. a naughty nymph 18. an obstreperous ogre 19. an overbearing ogress 20. a pettifogging PAN 21. a presumptuous pixie 22. a sarcastic satyr 23. a snooty Shiva 24. a shameless sprite 25. a supercilious succubus 26. a swaggering sylph 27. a temeritous troll 28. an uncouth undine 29. a vituperative vampire 30. a wise-cracking werewolf

e.g. Zeus, Apollo and Hermes pulled up to the Super-Duper Sports & Stuff Stadium in their gas-guzzling, turbo-charged 1,200 horse-power chariots, while Odin, Loki, Sigurd, and the Valkyries preferred to pile into a crunch-impervious, family mini-van, which meant that Diana, Minerva and Venus quibbled over who was going to drive the affordable, low-mileage Segway and who would have to thumb a ride; needless to say this set of circumstances combined with the fact that Mercury was going retrograde for the next six weeks did not make for good vibes in the universe that hot, muggy day in July 2020 and no doubt caused a bit of calamity in the egregious entertainment industry resulting in pink-slips for 40,000 card-carrying members of the Elves, Gods And Devils Society (EGADS) now regarded by the Big Guy in the Sky as unfortunate redundant mythical deities in the grand scheme of things (which regretably did not play well among the dazzling door-stopping demigods, the ever popular desk-top divinities or their ethereal entourages capable of mind-bending, mind-blowing, and mind-boggling feats of elffrontery such as "mangling misplaced metaphors”, "mincing mixed modifiers" and “dealing a death-blow to dangling phrases”, not to mention a tour de force - "flying by the seat of their pants without the aid of a safety net or a golden parachute".

Contributed by: Snapfinger Loogootee, a dedicated hourglass watcher and cocked hat spotter from Neversink (New York) with a second cousin, “Hooper”, living in Idiotville (Oregon)

CATAMOROUS

2005-07-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

catamorous (adj.) 1 a: descriptive of a frisky feline fashion statement on the loose b: related to a clever Casanova-calling critter c: concerned with a pleasant-looking, pawing, petting, purring sort of species with a great tail d: having a great deal in common with a premium-brand, pretentious Puss n’ Boots personality 2: causing, involving, or relating to the act of teasing, twirling, or toying with something before pouncing on it for fun

e.g. As he clobbered the clanging, clodhopping clock-radio before getting out of his Panglossian-brand palliasse, Sir Gaffney Glad-Hand, a cavorting, clumsy carpet knight of little renown, recalled the previous night of utter oblivion he had spent with a catamorous cocktail creature named Princess Poplolly he’d while waiting to see his favorite psychopannuchist, Daniel Dalfibble, BA, MBA, & Doctor of Whatnot whom he casually relied upon for advice to awaken his somnambulant sort-of-lost-soul which apparently had gone missing in a merry-go-sorry metaphysical incident at a place called “Cloud-Cuckooland”, (a theme-park devoted to creating an ethereal gathering place for old coots, codgers, and cockamamie cretins).

Contributed by: Gryphus Kiddliwink, a former full-time flatcar whacker from Cabbage Patch (California), and now a part-time Flower Pot Press worker and Flume Ride Operator in Two Egg, (Florida)

CRACKLE-POT

2005-07-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

crackle-pot (n.) a bothersome, clamoursome, fulsome, grumblesome, lonesome, troublesome so-and-so with a few stale-drunk attributes in keeping with a skyboshing souse or a sottish slawterpooch; not to be confused with another sordid species -- the ‘flush-pot’ -- a jiggle-jangle-bellied, jolly-conscious joint-smoker

e.g. She bushed aside the remarks of the ha-ha, half-assed, half-baked, half-cocked, half-cut, half-pint, half-witted, haggard-eye, hair-trigger, hand-holding, hard-core, hard-boiled, hard-edge, hard-featured, hard-hitting, hard-line, hard-nosed, hard-pressed, hat-worshipping, heads-up, heart-whole, heart-quaking, heigh-ho, helter-skelter, hell-raising, higgledy-piggledy, high-falutin, high-flown, high-handed, high-minded, high-pressure, high-priced, high-speed, high-sounding, high-spirited, high-strung, high-hat, hocus-pocus, hog-wild, holus-bolus, ho-hum, hodge-podge, hoo-ha, hoi-polloi, hoity-toity, honky-tonk, hufty-tufty, or here-and-there, high-and-mighty, Holy-Grail-seeking, high-and-dry, hand-in-glove, hand-me-down, happy-go-lucky, head-over-heels, hem-and-haw, hit-and-miss, hit-and-run, hold-one's-horses, hot-and-bothered, hail-fellow-well-met, high-on-the-hog crackle-pot who just happened to sashay up to her with a leap-to-conclusions look on his freckly frazzled face and nothing but effluvium and elbow grease on his mind; all of which reminded her of a full-blown, full-bodied, full-fledged, full-of-himself fusspot whom she encountered on the dance floor standing next to a futile flame-throwing fuddy-duddy named "Sir Freddy Flip" who attended the lst Annual Blimp Ball held last week, in Yeehaw Junction (Florida), honoring several macho meringue types wearing utterly smashing footwear not to mention impressively long and colorful titles after their names (suggesting they were perhaps miminy-piminy mundivagants of some kind or other as near as one could tell in this bewildering world of bozos and braggarts).

Contributed by: Myrtle Honeythunder, (formerly a Sherwood Forest bucket chucker with the industrial outsourcing firm of “Robin Hood & His Merry Mates”), who currently resides in an off-the-beaten track rather tight-lipped town called Beans Corner Bingo (Maine)

GOLDBRICK BUG

2005-07-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Goldbrick bug (n.) any fool who carries coals to Newcastle and then has the temerity to ask if he can drop off his motherlode at the London Precious Metals Exchange or the nearest Retirement Home for Potty Gold-Diggers

e.g. The goldbrick bug began his wearisome journey on a cold, blistery, wet day (what else would you expect if you lived in Piddletenthride and had to wear welly-boots everyday or get one’s feet soaked in squishy, squashy stuff) ...anyway, to make a long shaggy dog story short... he forgot to pack his colorful map of the United Kingdom not to mention the distinctly vapid environs, his trusty new GPS gizmo with easy-to-read operating instructions in twenty-five languages, and a box of stale tea biscuits foisted upon him by the demented dog-catcher who lives next door; all of which meant that first -- he had a simply wretched time trying to figure out what to do with the anonymous albatross hanging limply around his neck (given to him as a token of affection by a lost mariner, or it it might have been a dodo-bird named "Muggins" that he borrowed from The Museum of Mummified Matter), second - - he had to speculate about why he was carrying a discarded pity pot (full of lame excuses he found in a back-alley somewhere), and third - - he had to cogitate about where a blessedly big bag of jack-hammers came from (that he had reluctantly agreed to deliver to a far-flung friend of a friend who lived in a cottage with a leaking roof and four good-for-nothing robots situated approximately two kilometers south of Affpuddle, England whose longitude and latitude he couldn't recall even if his life depended on it, which it might if he didn't get the bag there in a fortnight).

Contributed by: Inverkeithing Ipplepen, a retired dollwigs hackler from Waterproof, Louisiana (born in Lost Nation but raised in Sandwich Landing, New Hampshire)

GUMSLINGING

2005-07-05T11:35:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

gumslinging (adj.) descriptive of one who shoots from the mouth first and asks questions later

e.g. Dipple T. Plucknett-Whaplode, (who hated eiderdown comforters as a little nipper in Horton-Cum-Studly, England and thanked his lucky stars that he was neither a glockenspiel virtuoso nor a vertically-challenged member of a carnival freak sideshow), decided that he stood a better chance for swift advancement up the food chain of life if he attended a few ten-course banquets hosted by the renowned International Institute of Piffling Puffery (situated in Boinka, Australia) which is dedicated to serving the special needs of Type-A personality, gluttonous guests who dislike wrestling alligators for a living but delight in satiating their appetite for words ...not to mention demonstrating their egregious, self-serving, gumslinging talents on a captive audience of gut-wrenching vacuous verbivores and loopy if not latitudinarian linguists.

Contributed by: Vigitus Urled, a poor scholar who lives in Cow Yard, Massachusetts (not far from Mashpee, Sandwich and Belchertown) where he survives on weak grog, dog-eared adult magazines, plus salty crackers that break easily when smothered with ample portions of low-carb “cheese-whiz” garnished with gherkins and a few sprigs of Vitamin-C-enriched, organically-grown parsley or lucky flour-leaf clovers

I-CHING-A-LING

2005-06-06T08:24:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

I-Ching-a-ling (n.) a hexagram hussy with a nose for dysfunctional domestic incarceration survivors (also known as "golden girls") who've lost their frigging fortune cookies, can't read wet tea-leaves or hate Tarot cards (and couldn't crack a wishbone if their life depended on it) but, wouldn't mind tossing a few coins in a fountain for good luck in order to find a man with deep pockets, a short memory plus failing eyesight when it comes to putting his 'John Henry' on her next iron-clad, pre-nup agreement, (with a hefty "pay-out" clause for telling the same "previously recounted humorous narrative" more than thrice daily thank you very much)

e.g., Arriving at the "previous employment" section on a job application for "Hot Dog Chef" at a hole-in-the-wall, bow-wow bakery called, "All You Can Eat Emporium of Exotic Things You Really Wouldn't Want to Know Went Into This Pet Food" located in Cat Elbow Corner (New York), Elizabeth Juggernaut, (a casual Be-Muser, an inveterate I-Ching-a-ling from way back and a self-taught funny-bone-expert) decided that it might be in her best interest to leave out her summer stint as a graveyard-shift golf-ball diver at "Barbie's Buns & Boondock Mini-Putt Course" in Knockemstiff (Ohio), her six-month soothsaying sabbatical at "The International Institute of Witchcraft and Wizardry" in Wahoo (Nebraska) where she cast spells, practiced exorcism, and learned how to cause a little mayhem by drawing out the demons in gifted artists, unemployed politicians, and homeless pets ...nor did she think it a wise idea to mention her untimely run-in with a malignant medicine man posing as an auditor in the otherwise reputable chartered accounting firm of "Spank Spit & Smudge LLC" in Zig Zag (Oregon), -- all of which left her with but one clear alternative -- to spill the beans about her erstwhile past as a professional pup-tent-pitcher in Red Sucker Lake (Manitoba), a certified loo inspector in Nether Poppleton, (United Kingdom), and a finger-puppet fashion designing gig that turned into ten years of hard-labor at a sweat-shop called "Hell Hollow" in Tightwad (Missouri).

Contributed by: Jackpot Kokomo, a professional cruiseship shuffleboard player on the Holland America line, and part-time checkerboard player at the Hungry Horse Bar & Grill in Loyalsockville, Pennsylvania

HOGEUSSE

2005-05-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

hogeusse (n.) one who throws a stylish swine and cheesy chuckle party just for the heck of it

e.g. A tipsy-topsy, limelight-grabbing childhood spent in a picturesque, hole-in-the-wall country school in Community Punch Bowl, Alberta prompted Sheena Sno-Glow's decision to live the next phase of her life somewhere else -- yup you guessed it -- in Square Butt, Montana ...as a half-corked hogeusse, a part-time gourmet cat food chef, a casual zombie nurse and a celebrated pulp cinema vampire extra in a hugely popular, colorless classic piece of schmaltzy schlock purported to be a 16 mm B-horror flick (with a tight, deep-dark comedy theme, badly dubbed hand-sync'd sound, long-winded if not hard-to-appreciate German sub-titles, translated into broken English and American Sign Language for the hard-of-hearing) as "Hogwash, Ginger Snaps & Trouser Accidents" (and directed by the late Joe-Bob Bigfoot, owner of a modestly priced, little-known, back-water movie boutique referred to in the trade as "The Weeping Waters Film Studio" -- situated in the heart of beautiful downtown Burbank, California).

Contributed by: Ms. Ganges Mondovino, a shy, simpering silent-movie script-writer and twittering tightwad whose last known whereabouts are said to have been something to do with sipping a dry martini while being draped haphazardly over a chaise longue in a rather garrish pink flannel nightgown purchased for $15.00 from "The Cat's Meow Clothes Closet" in of all places, HooHoo (West Virginia)

__________

Illustration by Sophie Blackall for Meet Wild Boars by Meg Rosoff (Henry Holt, 32 pages) recommended for ages 3 to 7, or anyone who enjoys TUSK TUSK, STOMP STOMP and other dirty, smelly, bad-tempered and rude not to mention very scatalogical stuff.

CARNIBORE

2005-05-11T09:17:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

carnibore (n.) a monotonous minced meat-eater with no axe to grind or for that matter any redeeming feature worthy of mention in a pathetic piece of paltry prose, a perfunctory yet pithyless performance appraisal, or last but not least ... a short-shrift yet self-aggrandizing obituary

e.g. Chuck Tripe was a tad difficult to fathom unless you had time to casually flip through the Preface to Terse Tales from the Titanic, assiduously pour over the End Notes to Twenty Thousand and One Leagues Under the Sea of Serendipity, or glance at the Acknowledgements and Bibliography in How to Build a Fish Tank That Won't Leak for Under $25 -- all of which may give you a hint about his floundering lifestyle as a closet carnibore, his penchant for yelling "Cowabunga" at every opportunity, not to mention his favorite pastime (clog dancing in the buff), and more to the point, why he received a non-refundable, one-way ticket to Cloud-Cuckooland (presented by his former lactose-intolerant, clotted whole milk colleagues who were called upon to organize his hastily planned, early retirement party from the highly-esteemed Centre of Udder Rubbish Research at the “Cornish Cream Institute” in Devonshire).

Contributed by: Ernie Cloudberry, a cloying clubby sort who enjoys the perks of being a bookworm buffoon and wild wallflower in Teakettle Junction, California

GREMLINT

2005-05-02T12:26:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

gremlint (n.) the annoying, invisible ingredient in cotton fuzz that ensures permanent adhesion to any dark item of clothing in spite of vigorous brushing accompanied by a healthy does of blasphemy, followed by a futile fine tooth combing, and last but not least...pathetic plucking of one’s hair out by the roots

e.g. On the eve of her sixth decade, the raunchy ragamuffin bid a fond farewell to her lifetime companion, (a two-timing tipsy tatterdemalion with a hint of gremlint on his jolly holly jodpurs not to mention pinchbeck piety on the brain), and set out on a Sagittarian sojourn, or perhaps it was just a salacious safari, with her new-found deadpan friend and gallant admirer, Eureka Wink (a casually-festooned fop with a penchant for far too many faux-pas and utterly crass “mots justes”, wimpy French fries with salt and malt vinegar, plus a piscatorial hankering for gaudy, glow-in-the-dark boudoir jewelry).

Contributed by: Handel Rocker, (an undercover go-between and former press secretary to Prince Pottifer of Panderingham), who now enjoys sultry afternoons in Hoop and Holler, Texas at the standing-room only Friendly Cactus Grogshop & Pit-Stop Watering Hole, replete with monosyllabic chatterboxes who on occasion are positively staggering with poise when not being called upon to do half-baked impressions of a pie-eyed politician

NAME-DROOPING

2005-04-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

name-drooping (n.) the tell-tale sign of a wilting wunderkin who learns that his sagging reputation is not covered under a blanket white-wash insurance policy or protected by a money-laundering machine manufacturer’s warranty

e.g. Dr. Uranus Upthrow, (a prominent spin-doctor and founder of the Institute of Uppish Things), after completing a thorough investigation of the flimsy facts surrounding the untimely demise of a prominent putz named Lord Whatnot, concluded that the chemical detergents used in a leading-edge patented money-laundering process to add a bit of bounce to his cheques had in fact obliterated and mangled his reputation beyond recognition; this finding did not however support the corner's report suggesting that the uppity fellow had played one too many games of whist for his own good and consumed more than the legal limit of fizzy beverages recommended for a 25 lb. pixie ... fortunately for the noble nimrod his name-drooping days were over none too soon.

Contributed by: Vulgus Belcher, a zippy zitherist in the world-renowned “Possom Trot Tabernacle Choir” and full-time American Sign Language pit-boss at the “House of Card Sharks” retirement home (located on the outskirts of Monkey’s Eyebrow, Kentucky)

PRATAGONIST

2005-04-23T20:05:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

pratagonist (n.) 1: the principal pumpkinhead or bleeping beast in a frigging fairystory that’s going nowhere fast 2: the lousy leader of a lost cause 3: a miffed muscle that by its very odd contraction causes the rest of the body parts to mutiny resulting an unexpected landing on one’s buns, buttocks, gluteus maximus, heinie, posterior, rump, or tush.

e.g. If you’ve never seen a Prince Zlatibor of Danmnaglaur whodunnit movie before, be prepared for an unusual delicacy of disembodied voices, whimsical landscapes featuring loos with no handles, and cutting-edge digitally-enhanced 3-D jolly green giants sporting a loose narrative trajectory, not to mention a big brouhaha at the Awful All-Ireland Traditional Music Competition started by a purple-faced pratagonist named “Twinkle Toes” who enjoys looking for a good time anywhere he can find it, or seeking a new beginning in a small Texas town called Ding Dong (which has no flute or fiddle players but more than enough shooting-from-the-hip opportunities to keep everyone there happy).

Contributed by: The Right Honorable James Offleyhoo, a mid-life man in crisis who appreciates a hearty ale, the dulcet tones of a fluglehorn, and a pretty pair of legs when he can see them without the aid of his trusty monocle

GOOBEROLOGIST

2005-03-29T12:15:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

gooberologist (n.) a peanut bag inspector hired by petting zoos to ensure proper protocols are followed by pesky pre-pubescent perambulators known to frequent the monkey cages

e.g. As Edwina Trillian and her seventeen solace-inclined siblings stepped out of their baubled, bangled and breathtakingly boring but heavily beaded spaceship christened “Kitschy 50s”, they realized they were in for a postmodern pithy moment if not a subterranean surprise when they were greeted by a sassy shorn sheep with the mutton moniker “Patsy” (who insisted on giving everyone love-bites they didn’t ask for or need), an erudite fallen angel with a bent halo who expounded on the virtues of consuming soy bean nuts and low-carb boneless chicken TV-dinners, and a blue-uniformed, gold-braided gooberologist by the name of General Pouffe (who insisted on searching their duffle bags for five crapping birds, four missing monkeys, three French henpeckers, two taciturn trolls and a merry-impaired munchkin from a nearby petty zoo).

Contributed by: Sigfried Sullied-Truffle, DD (a Doctor of Debottlenecking), a casual daffodil denuder and a noted wishbone expert from the School of Megalophobia (also known as The Fear of Frightfully Big Things Few Have Ever Seen in Their Lives Academy of Learning), located in beautiful downtown Prickwillow.

DASHPOTIMIST

2005-03-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

dashpotimist (n.) a Chief Cook & Bottle-Washing Pirate whose looting and pillaging days have come to an ignominious end

e.g. Deplaning from his dinghy (equipped with a state-of-the-art, turbo-charged inboard motor for fly-fishing, a Morse-code keypad, and a broad-band digital short-wave radio, not to mention brightly colored, waterproof foam-cushion seat covers), the daring dashpotimist, (known to his barnacle bedfellows as “Pot-Luck Puck”), fidgeted and fretted upon learning that Trillian Tootall, (a funky femme fatale just a titch past her freedom-fifty-five birthday), had lost her lollygagging life during a big flick, big snack and big perk evening out on the town with “The Shiftless Rounders”, “Hang the DJ”, and “Smokin Phats”, (not your average band of bashful boys); needless to say, this bit of niggling news left him with a touch of the blue-devils for the rest of his shoot-finger week aboard a curmudgeonly-oriented cruise ship full of fools, fops and fonkins.

Contributed by: Gwendolyn Dwingalling-Wallraff, a picturesque poppet with 25 years’ experience as an empowering kick-boxer and mud-wrestling champion from Chicken Gizzard, Kentucky, (formerly of "The Magic Angel Chorus-Line & Crumpet Café" in Wimp, California)

POMPASTIC

2005-03-02T10:14:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

pompastic (adj.) marked by an ability to speak with a silver forked tongue, to shake a pompom vigorously or to operate a megaphone with ease, to work a crowd like a charming pick-pocket, to exploit a captive audience of lemmings, and finally, to come off as a wholesome, energetic, winning soul destined for a place in the sun or at the very least, CEO of all the frigging galaxies in the universe.

e.g. While Peter Piper’s annoying, boorish and oblivious attitude alienated him further from the pouncing paparazzi and his posing-pouch peers, his pompastic schmoozing talents did however allow him to rekindle old friendships with a horde of rampaging teetotalers, and rework some passionate romantic dalliances with several notable poppets of poppycock not to mention babes of bosh, so much so that he found himself making amends with those he’d fallen out with including a cloned shorn sheep known affectionately as “Pork Chop”, Head Nurse Goody Tueschuze (a wild berry jelly addict and a mirthless matriarch) from the Fops N’ Fonkins Home for Seniors, and a free-thinking, earth-bound, fallen angel named Ralph, (who failed to pass the loves and fishes miracle test on the TV shopping channel, thereby squelching his chance to live his dream and true calling as either an ebullient red fire-hydrant or an effervescent school recess monitor.)

Contributed by: Gerard Whassup, a scandalous, limelight-grabbing, artificial limb sales and service representative of Dystopia Inc., (a growth-opportunity, lifestyle performance enhancement and state-of-the-art wellness firm situated in the heart of a Kafkaesque winter wasteland of the future)

BLUNDERBOSS

2005-02-27T10:24:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

blunderboss (adj.) descriptive of a senior person of straw with one minor finagling flaw and no "Get Out of Jail Free" card

e.g. The judge listened intently as the mustard plaster mogul (dressed in a custom-fitting, pin-stripped blunderboss suit) explained how he climbed out of his great honking Hummer one fine summer's day to survey the grand scheme of things, (having taken the wrong exit off the Yellow Brick Expressway and ended up in Heffalump Country); naturally, he did the only thing he could do -- pull out his GPS whatchamacallit to circumnavigate the fact that he was utterly lost and had but one realistic option: pinning the blame for this unfortunate predicament on the back of some truculent tin man in a toll booth, plus a depressing dunderhead with a missing tail named Eeyore, and the fateful conjunction of three planets Mercury, Venus and Uranus in in a moonbeam resulting in accusations of marital misconduct, malodorous money-laundering, and something about a small discrepancy in the celestial balance sheet of Pisces for the year 2004.

Contributed by: Martha Muskeg, a full-time fly-swatting manager, part-time ecdysiast, and casual music-box operator at the Mute Swan & Naughty Pine Legion Hall in Pelican Narrows, Saskatchewan

MUSHETEER

2005-02-24T15:39:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

musheteer (n.) a timid bedfellow addicted to pot-boiler pulp fiction magazine articles and soft-cover knight-in-shining-armor/damsel-in-distress connubial castle bliss novels

e.g. It was one of those fabled Bollywood Cinderella stories about a Prince of passionate glances (a wealthy, worldly, somewhat flashy, hollow lifestyle hero with the unfortunate habit of preening himself far too often in front of long mirrors), a stunningly gorgeous but simperingly chaste snob in a sari surrounded by oodles of extras singing from shop windows or some odd characters tripping the light fantastic around a hurly-burly street in Calcutta ...but Rottweiler Jutland, an avid musheteer, summoned his strength of mind in order to make his way through the labyrinth of complicated subplots not to mention fully appreciate a plethora of throwaway observations regarding grrrrl power that would undoubtedly appeal to people who otherwise might not read romance novels.

Contributed by: Nordkraft Ejersbo, a professional trainspotter and weary wallaby trainer from Coodardy, Western Australia

BOTOXICATED

2005-02-20T07:26:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

botoxicated (adj.) descriptive of artificially seductive eyelids, lewd laugh lines, or libidinous loose lips

e.g. Grenadine Shrewsbury, (a frustrated optimist with a devil-may-care-attitude in a dead-end job as a happiness-challenged bartender at a rather seedy West Hollywood dive), realized that she needed help to extricate herself from a buxom botoxicated bar-fly named Wilhelmina Vegas (who was caught like a moth on a piece of fly-paper) in the company of one "Billy-Bob Briggs", (a part-time lounge lizard and law school dropout who suffered from a mild case of the plague complicated by lingering halitosis not to mention malignant midlife crisis, but appreciated a pretty pair of shades and fishnet stockings when he saw them).

Contributed by: Wolfgang Liverpool, a bald bookworm and boring bachelor whose days as a Celtic flute player were clearly over, until through the magic of transfiguration, he found his true calling as a flying carpet repairman in Kabul, Afghanistan

LIVA VOCE

2005-02-10T11:01:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

liva voce (n.) the lingering echo sound (made by a rousing morning shower songstress or a ditty dandy) that tends to reverberate or bounce off porcelain tiles and glass walls in a wild and wooly manner

e.g. Having doffed his flannel pajamas none to soon in order to commence his early morning ablution ritual, Bacchus Tyrwhitt-Fectue decided it was an opportune moment to reflect on two vital life-issues: (1) why had he purchased a pair of flannel pajamas on sale with a convenient trap-door on the backside and decorated with an odd combination of ubiquitous smiley faces chasing little pink salamanders? and (2) why had he ended up as a government drone in a dead-end, cog-in-a-wheel post with precious little hope of becoming “Employee of the Month”?, (which led to yet another equally perplexing problem as to why the remnants of liva voce were prompting him to consider expanding his haunting musical repertoire ?... perhaps more in keeping with his milquetoast mood).

Contributed by: Lucretius Pichetshotte, a remarkable individual from Peekskill, (an unusual place just north of Yonkers, New York), who can do three astounding and completely unrelated things all at once: think cleverly inside a box, play a flutophone with his left hand, and juggle with apparent ease, three gizzard-shaped bouncing balls with his right foot)

ZAPPLE

2005-02-07T06:44:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

zapple (n.) a microwave oven without any juice

e.g. The Digital Age may have arrived, but for one analog and angst-ridden, poor starving soul named Rueena Tutbone, (who incidentally became deleriously sidetracked while exploring her woman's inner dialogue), a swarm of cursors and a wireless mouse unfortunately could not revive her zapple sufficiently for her to cook her favorite comfort food -- Kraft macaroni dinner, garnished with a sprig of tasteless but healthy green seaweed, and served with a rather large dollop of hot popcorn slathered in melted goat's cheese.

Contributed by: Otto "Knuckles" Hoolboom, a kick-ass custodian, (who frequently loses his grip on reality enough to double as the disembodied voice of a news anchor known by fans as, "The Grim Reaper", on 66.3 FM radio in Kickapoo, Illinois)

FLABBID

2005-02-03T08:29:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

flabbid (adj.) descriptive of a politically-active, socially-conscious, jelly belly muscle movement that finds support among devoted television shopping channel viewers who wish to lose weight so they can don their sparkly spandex body suits with ease, fit conveniently and carefreely into airplane seats, computer chairs and dental recliners without accidentally setting off any alarm bells, or coach their favorite sports team from the comfort of a couch without any fear of recrimination from sideline critics or backseat drivers

e.g. Flossie Gore, (a died-in-the-wool knitting enthusiast, a part-time coupon clipper, and a fastidious Aquarian homemaker), had absolutely no idea that her flabbid friends would be so concerned about her bawdy outlook on life and slawterpooch appearance that they would consider purchasing a spanking-new, state-of-the-art, mobile, rubber-reinforced index-finger workout treadmill (backed by a 90-day warranty including a full money-back-guarantee-with-no-questions-asked) for presentation on the occasion of her unprepossessing, entirely inconsequential, otherworld thirty-ninth birthday party sleep-over.

Contributed by: Harriet Pimpernel, a full-time flamethrower and dedicated fizzle-stick collector from Worms, Nebraska (and former Mayor, Chief of Police, and Official Dog Catcher of Beaver Lick, Kentucky)

THINKLE-HITCH

2005-02-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

thinkle-hitch (n.) a runaway train of thought that stops dead in its tracks for no apparent reason whatsoever

e.g. The cupboard door opened surreptitiously while a can of broccoli and cheese soup stood by watching helplessly as a rather large box of dried prunes (caught caressing a pumpernickel loaf) fell off the shelf landing sideways on a banana peel, (that happened to be lying conveniently on a well manicured floor -- well before the thinkle-hitch had a chance to hail a dimly-lit shooting star passing by in search of her destiny as a high-school prom King or Queen, based on her current bank balance and sparkly remainder items found at Sam's Club).

Contributed by: Hernando Onsworth Punic, resident of Middle Musquodoboit, Nova Scotia and best-selling author of an eclectic, esoteric, and ever-so entertaining epileptic thriller based on life in a tiny town of topsy-turvy no one even knew existed entitled, "Top-Secret Tempest In -- A Teapot, A Toaster, or Was It A Trashcan? -- Only time will tell..." followed by a slick, spell-binding sequel called, "The Mystery of Long-Lost Socks in the Dryer".

SOBNAMBULATE

2005-01-30T08:38:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

sobnambulate (verb): to walk with an unsteady gate while crying in one's beer

e.g. Every morning in Los Angeles, when the sun comes up, Harry and John meet on a crowded park bench with other citizens (from a nearby discarded toys and electronic gadgets landfill site) to chew the fat, and sobnambulate with a six-pack in hand about life, liberty and today's smog warning before they get down to the business of evaluating reality from a cat's-eye point of view or a burly bear named Ted.

Contributed by: Tristan Pong, a resident of Valentine, Nebraska, and a devoted sci-fi movie fan with an interest in bald eagles wearing ball caps, yodelling bull frogs, and the odd cold plucked turkey or two (make that three please, then it constitutes a comfortable crowd)

ABAGONY

2005-01-28T09:33:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

abagony (n.) intense pain associated with watching mid-riff bulge muscle workouts on video (knowing full well that one hasn’t a hope in hell of getting past the first lesson)

e.g. After tripping over the toaster this morning, TV shopping channel hostess-with-the-mostest -- Tequila Bellibone -- decided it was high time she faced the music and danced, (although she wasn’t quite prepared for the surprise that arrived in the mail the other day, a vanity video with her name on); now if only she knew how to alleviate the ill-effects of abagony, she’d be a flaming genius or at the very least, a well-heeled, wicked witch on training wheels, ...on second thought, make that a tread mill (a simple but infinitely more pleasurable pastime for those who failed the walk on water, hot coals, and egg shells test).

Contributed by: Michael Thrums, a resident of Spuzzum, British Columbia, a rodent exterminator and an avid collector of odd, if not rather amusing art forms including gargoyles, chamber pots, commodes and heraldic monster garden ornaments or cherubic-looking (although a titch chubby) porcelaine figurines

POCKET-PASSION

2005-01-23T10:10:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

pocket-passion (n.) the little plastic pouch of facial tissues that tear-jerking crocodiles carry around with them to dispense at the conclusion of any misguided or mangled affair of the heart

e.g. Although she looked like a duck and waddled a lot, the foul-fragrance aphrodesiac body lotion made of lard boiled from a hog’s pizzle smothered on her web feet suggested perhaps the toad-eater had fallen for the wrong creature …and consequently the pocket-passion ritual, (he usually relied upon to bid a fond farewell to the object of his affection), would undoubtedly be quite unnecessary under these odd, if not ill-fated circumstances, and not to put to too fine a point on it but shall we say could possibly qualify as "a breath-taking blunder into blisslessness"; certainly worthy of a place in the "Guinness Book of World Records".

Contributed by: Throckmorton Jones Esq., humble proprietor of The Merry Muffin-Man, (a tiny tuxedo and tails rental shop) situated in the heart of Deadwood, Texas

WORDPECKER NEWS FLASH!

2005-01-18T09:23:00.000-08:00

Or, Washington Post Wunderkins at Work (and Play)

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign> of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis* (n): A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

__________

*This one got extra credit.

SINTHESIZER

2004-12-22T07:20:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

sinthesizer (n.) one who compiles a list of naughty things you’ve done over the past year depriving you of a gratuitous gift from a Scarlet-Tunic Obese Person of Good Cheer, a low-carb chocolate egg delivered by an ADD Easter Bunny, and a plastic bag that won't break, tear or dissolve for 150 years offered as a Father's Day giveaway by a bi-polar personality called, “The Man From Glad'N'Sad”

e.g. The disgustingly obsequious, indelicate front-line superviser (named Bobbie Beehunter), preened her feather boa, plucked her bushwhacked eyebrows, and hit the big red button on her computer keyboard marked “panic” before speaking in a vampy voice into her new-fangled, hands-free-feeding, Panasonic Plain Paper Fax/Copier with Caller-Id to accept a blind-date, (from an email buddy affectionately known as "sinthesiser"), to attend a fundraiser for people with two left feet sponsored by the Botswana Bingo Hall in Camel Hump, Wyoming

Contributed by: Buford Edelweiss Potluck, a casual storm-watcher and certified towel security guard from Uclulet, British Columbia (where all the flakes and fruitcakes live and where wise men are advised never to set foot if they value the hair on their head and chest, or wish to retain their status at the top of the funky food chain)

LOTHERWITLING

2004-12-20T13:15:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

lotherwitling (n.) a classic tongue-in-cheek, long-in-the-mouth, stick-it-in-your-ear sort of person

e.g. Not wanting to seem too innocent or too eager in courting the lusty loup-garou from Manitou, the lotherwitling flossed his buck teeth, powdered his long flexible snout, and polished his PowerPoint presentation all of which was designed to impress her family members comprised of three thingamybobs, five pepperoni pizza potentates, and one potty patriarch planted ever so precariously on a collapsible lawn chair beside a backyard bathtub filled with gin-flavored hard-pink-lemonade garnished with far too many yellow rubber duckies.

Contributed by: Prud'homme Pontypool, a talented phrase-mongering graduate of Lady Jane's Finishing School for Flatfoots & Flatulators, and now rendering services as a personal digital assistant to a comfortably well-off family from Bucksnort, Tennessee who are proud owners of six flivvers (beyond repair), two venomous vipers (called Adam and Eve naturally), fourteen rabbits (far too many names to recall), and a foul-mouthed parrot, named "F...-off"

JACK-IN-A-PINCH

2004-12-19T08:42:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Jack-In-A-Pinch (n.) fatuous first cousin of the Fickle Finger of Fate, responsible for creating tempests in teapots, storms in saucepans, and brouhahas in baking dishes

e.g. The Sultan of Small Talk demanded to know why Jack-In-A-Pinch was wreaking havoc with woks while several saucy sex pots (who had little interest in swapping noodle recipes or figuring out where to buy a can of Uncle Willy's Turtle Soup) were sampling far too many glasses of sherry for their own good and making a mess of the sultry soap opera script.

Contributed by: Flabellina Iodinea, a linguistic land-lubber whose many talents include telling the story of the shell-less sea slug to anyone who will listen, (except for children who might be frightened by their hermaphroditic animal behavior not to mention their toxic chemical secretions which send out a strong message, "don't eat me, I taste really bad").

ORDER OF THE DUFFART

2004-12-17T08:29:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Order of the Duffart (n.) title given to anyone who, among other things, frequently sweats bullets while trying to 1) pacify pet rocks with a case of PMS, 2) suck cholesterol from eggs with a straw, or 3) pull chestnuts from a fire without getting burned to a crisp

e.g. The Knave of Three’s-A-Crowd, Sir William Mummelgum, dismounted his toothless gift-horse with as much pomp and circumstance as he could muster, snapped his digits to keep the Goddess of Glitch blissfully out of his hair for the next half hour, and then sauntered nonchalantly into the Court of The Quipping Queen to receive the Order of the Duffart (for his abysmal performance in “Hedge-Creeping”, his bone-crushing draw in “Heel-Tapping”, and his lacklustre defeat in a mindless game of mortless combat called, “Hunt The Whistle”).

Contributed by: Constantine Hair-Wreath, owner of “Cleopatra's Boudoir & Bidet” and long-time resident of Bath Addition, Pennsylvania

WOEMAN

2004-12-15T07:29:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

woeman (n.) one who wears a fragmented halo, a broken heart on his sleeve and a color-coordinated, 10 kilo (22 pound) pity pot which he carries with care under his arm wherever he goes

e.g. The woeman lingered in an odor of sanctity for a moment beside the sacred scriptural stump where he had carved the name of his beloved sea-turtle, "Kiddliwink", into the trunk of the ancient oak tree approximately 139 years and 17 days ago; if only he could reverse the digital grandmother clock time mechanism (that he found on a Fool's gold mother-board while searching for a vintage copy of How to Vamp without Music by A. Nonymous at a flea-market in Lick Skillet, Virginia) and resume his former lascivious life as a congenial call centre operator at a speak-easy in the glitzy galaxy of Bartledania.

Contributed by: James Tangle-Scudmore, a labyrinth maker of some renown and amateur crop-circle investigator from Chipping Ongar (in the 'Old Country')

BATTYNORT

2004-12-12T09:58:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

battynort (n.) a fly by night sort of fear-factor-less type

e.g. The born-again battynort picked up his pluck and his trusty rattle-bladder filled with genetically-modified, blight-resistant, super-sized peas designed to scare off uninvited guests and wilderness pests, when he noticed a lurid-looking, non-fiction how-to bestseller (lying ever so quietly on the salt flats beneath the hoof of his petulant camel named “Humptulips”) entitled, The Magic of Telephone Evangelism by Harold E. Metcalf published by the Southern Union Conference of Atlanta, Georgia in the year of our Lord 1967.

Contributed by: Borysko Jones, nicknamed ‘Torn Nails’, an environmentally-friendly pulse crop farmer and casual collector of authentically-detailed, easy-to-mount, do-it-yourself inflatable rubber deer heads for rec-room walls, (formerly of Grizzly Bear’s Head & The Lean Man, Saskatchewan but now a happily retired weed-whacker in Skinners Pond, Prince Edward Island)

CHINTZY-CHIN-WAGGER

2004-12-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

chintzy-chin-wagger (n.) one who bends your ear for three hours, blows you kisses, and then has the unmitigated gall to assume that you'll pick up the tab including the seven course victuals plus three chicken wing nappies, two dozen vanity-sized vermouth cocktails, followed by fifty flutes of chilled ice-wine and a plate of exotic fruits and nuts (from the rainforests of the Amazon courtesy of Walmart)

e.g. The chintzy-chin-wagger named Laurence LeGrunt heaved a sigh of relief having avoided a fall from grace into a green with envy gulf, a withering whirlpool of mix-master emotions, not to mention a quirky quagmire filled with churlish chin-up types, disco dancers wearing canary yellow hip-waders, and a band of Freedom-55 rock stars with gluttonous binging habits verging on sour grapes.

Contributed by: Panajotis Glick, "The Elf of Eeek" in a sobriety-awareness scene from A Twisted Christmas Carol performed by the Pooh-and-Punky Players, an amateur troop of ho-ho-ho-ing thespians from Pooh Lake and Punkydoodles Corners, Ontario

GO-DEVIL-GETTER

2004-11-29T08:49:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

go-devil-getter (n.) one who rejuvenates a flagging spirit by walking on bed of hot coals, sleeping on a bed of nails, and wearing a red sequined, sparkly spandex body suit with little horns

e.g. After taking his guinea pig named Lord Ha Ha for a brief sunrise stroll around a cul-de-sac in the Corkscrew Swamp Sanctuary, the timorous go-devil-getter brushed and gnashed his sensitive pearly-white incisors, molars and bicuspids with 0.4% stannous fluoride gel USP (before digging into a healthy, nutritional, vitamin-enriched, low-cholesterol, microwave safe, frozen breakfast food cereal of jiggle, wiggle, and plop).

Contributed by: Nancy Yellingbo, a certified Hatha-Metta-Stretch Yoga, Fitness Kickboxing & Submission Wrestling Instructor and part-time mystic Santa Shopping Tarot Card Reader from Pugwash, Nova Scotia by way of Tallygaroopna, Australia and Gnaw Bone, Indiana

WHIZBEAN

2004-11-28T17:05:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

whizbean (n.) an entry-level payroll clerk whose fabulous feats include moving the boss's cheese with alacrity, but moving mountains, well that's another story requiring a different skill set that this individual regrettably does not possess

e.g. "This feels so good it must be fattening, unhealthy or illegal" said the warbling whizbean; but then he remembered what the genie in the bottle told him -- “trust everyone but tether your camel” -- so, he decided to return the crumpled garrishly-wrapped package of fragrant-smelling weeds to their rightful owner, a delusional desert-dwelling, sweaty but smiling soul eagerly sporting a spanking new buzzard black and magenta-colored neck tie with matching ear muffs and a pair of mighty fine spurs attached to his floppy leather thongs.

Contributed by: Jock Fishlove, whose favorite book in the Zanzibar Public Library is Frans Masreel’s 1952 classic cliff-hanging, weepfest thriller entitled, Geschichete Ohne Worte -- a sad love story without words but oodles of heavy-breathing woodcuts for those with an abiding interest in minimalism and, some might even venture to say, a rather passionate obsession with simple black and white plot lines

CLIMACTERIANIST

2004-11-26T10:17:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

climacterianist (n.) one who enjoys spending an evening lost in reverie with Big Foot, Sasquatch and the Abominable Person of Snow

e.g. Fortunately for the climacterianist, there was a gripping PBS special documentary on television that Thursday mushy pees with steak and kidney pie evening entitled, An Illustrated Inventory of Famous Dismembered Works of Art; otherwise, he would have been obliged to engage in his favorite hobby -- looking for non-existent bones, elusive scat, and hidden hair samples of hoary mammalian bi-peds that most people would prefer not to encounter on a romantic stroll through the tulips in the moonlit woods or a quick midnight pit-stop at the local gas bar and convenience store.

Contributed by: James B. Luffenham-Sotterly, a retired bill collector, dual duty bag-pipe/glockenspiel musician in the "Bare Essentials Glee Club" and collector of miniature hermaphrodite brigs

KOOKAMONGUS

2004-11-26T09:26:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

kookamongus (n.) the sort of person who derives a great deal of pleasure from telling family, friends and even complete strangers that he resides on a prickly patch of property in Satan's Kingdom (Vermont) during the summer blackfly season and an air-conditioned shoebox in Hellhole Palms (California) to get away from four wretched calling birds, three noisy French hens, two twittering turtle doves and a frigging partridge in a pear tree

e.g., When I last saw him, the kookamongus piano-player was looking for lost sharps and flats that dropped off his page of sheet music shortly after becoming mesmerized by the whimsical appearance of a rather fetching, fleet-of-foot, female Fed-Ex courier with her color-coordinated clip-board and matching nails.

Contributed by: Harold P. Berriwillock, a rather fine if not fanciful fallen angel seeking repose of the soul somewhere in the fullness of time between Climax and Purgatory (Colorado)

VAPID STOMATITIS

2004-11-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

vapid stomatitis (n.) an acute viral disease of gift horses rendering them speechless, their mouth-watering owners toothless, while turning nosey-poking jockeys into jackasses in a jiffy

e.g. The brown box arrived by courier (with a tiny but discretely placed warning label affixed that read -- "Vapid Stomatitis - Handle With Care") -- so I promptly took it along to our weekly management meeting and asked which one of the magnificent mastadons on the team wanted to munch on the goodies inside; needless to say, one hungry hypochondriac volunteered and fortunately we've never heard a word from him since.

Contributed by: Henrietta Kaffeklubben, a prize-winning spelling bee contestant known for her probity and colorful half-time performances at the annual Snakes and Ladders Tournament in Weeping Water, Nebraska

DINGLEWORT

2004-11-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

dinglewort (n.) one whose deepmusing and swooning days are over

e.g. Having committed a major faux-pas with the wicked wenches from the Castle of Kerfuffle, and trifled with the off-beat affections of one too many truculent hand-maidens from The Minxy Menagerie, the disquixotted, dansey-headed dinglewort sipped on a pint of dew-drink...(after jotting down the outline of his autobiography, The Life and Times of a Cabobbled Carpet Knight, and before visiting Lazor Lil's to permanently remove his laugh lines and well-worn wrinkles, all of which are in the wrong place).

Contributed by: George Buzznack, sole proprietor of “Butts-n-Sweets Shop” in Smackover, Arkansas and a quaint odds'n'ends store called “Frognot Fashions” in Toad Suck, (Arkansas naturally)

FIBASCO SAUCE

2004-11-13T11:20:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Fibasco sauce (n.) what one who cooks the books inevitably uses to spice up a dicey dish or flagging flambé

e.g. She wagged her pulchritudinous pink organ of taste about as Jeeves, her devoted miscreant man-servant, presented her favorite midday meal: rubber chicken wings served on a bed of rusty nails with a generous portion of Fibasco sauce (designed to mollify the unexpected negative earnings growth results in the fourth quarter and a meaningful but unanticipated highly-leveraged outcome shift in her balanced no-load stock portfolio).

Contributed by: J.P. Fata Morgana, Esq. (born sometime in the last century to haggis-loving parents from Killiecrankie, Scotland) and now a fetching if not fly-chasing footman, an accomplished Faustian bargain hunter, and a vertiginous valet in the House of Vermouth-Swilling Vampires & Fasting Father Christmas's

SIZZLE-STOMPING

2004-11-11T11:15:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

sizzle-stomping (adj.) descriptive of a femme fatale with broad-shoulders, buck-teeth and a pair of mighty fine stainless-steel spurs

e.g., The sizzle-stomping hand-maiden let her bleach blonde hair down nonchalantly, only to have a gauche, out-of-practice carpet knight named "Dinglepot" ride by on a dromedary shouting various venal-sounding vulgar epithets like "Get lost you fonking fopdoodle!", "What makes you think I'm interested in a horsefeathered heanling like you?", "Take a hike you hufty-tufty hoddypeak!", "Who let you out of the whiffling wind-sucking whipperginny corral!" and the most crushing words of all, "Trust me, no one could mistake you for a Bellibone or a Poplolly".

Contributed by: Voltaire Charles Molesworth III, author of a self-help manual entitled, 25 Ways To Leverage Your Navel Gazing Talent for Fun & Profit, and part-time resident of Cat Elbow Corner, New York

BAD-FOR-EVERYTHING

2004-11-06T07:31:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

bad-for-everything (adj.) what every good-for-nothing has going for it

e.g. The bad-for-everything golliwog glanced left and right before leaping onto the page of cutouts, thumping his fist, and defiantly thrusting his tawdry, two-toned, torpid tongue out at a pesky kid with a honking big pair of scissors in the tow of a panic-stricken playschool administrator nicknamed, “Brownie Point”.

Contributed by: Goliath Nematode, a gonzo goober grower in the heart of Lizard Lick, North Carolina (a bodacious backwater blemish replete with a nine-hole golf course, a communal shower, and a divot museum, if you please!)

NYAU

2004-11-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

NYAU -- Not-Your-Average-Universe, (n.) a waddling, wagging, walloping, warbling sort of place that’s never heard of walkie-talkies, walking papers, war whoops, wash and wear briefs, waterproof nymphs, waxed moustaches, webmasters, wet-nurses, wedding planners, wheelers and dealers, big whoppers, white elephants, windbags, withholding taxes, wordsmiths, Worshipful Masters, wrinkled wenches, or warm and fuzzies for that matter

e.g. “If NYAU is so hot”, said the brick-faced bouncer from the Happy-Go-Lucky Bar in a constipated corner of Cuddabackville, New York, “… then how come they’ve got no creative accountants, sly-boot lawyers or two-gun Texas Rangers running the place?”

Contributed by: Slink Tunkhannock, (from Goosepimple Junction, Virginia), a mild-mannered muse whose perturbations include why the cookie of life often gets completely stomped on, squished beyond recognition and obliterated by the inscrutable forces of gravity and time, but more likely by individuals of unsound mind

BRAIN-SWIVELLER

2004-11-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

brain-swiveller (n.) one who’s not sure whether one is coming or going; (not to be confused with other pretentious peewit personalities such as the "Speckled Scatterbrain", the "Boston Birdbrain", the "Belching Babbler", the "Gawking Giddy-Head", the "Raucous Rattlehead", and lesser known subcategories of "Decadent Dingbats" and "Dry Run Drivelers", all of whom live in a rather grand gallumping sort of galaxy called Zebulon)

e.g., He gazed in silence at the witchy way the pagans flew over the cuckoo’s nest, his eyes reflecting the brain-swiveller’s keen sense of wonder at the unexpected arrival of the Gormless Reaper, a notorious gadabout, (with a grimacing if not ill-fitting set of dentures --purchased at the Saturday craft market in Woonsocket, Rhode Island).

Submitted by: Sir Grimsley Gilt-Edge, former member of the British House of Lords and now gourmet watercress sandwich-maker at the popular "Glasscock" wet bar in Gun Barrel City, in the Lone Star State of course, (and happily married for fourteen frivolous years to a cute cussing cowgirl from Cut-and-Shoot, Texas)

LEAFLORN

2004-10-31T11:16:00.000-08:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

leaflorn (n.) a denuded type of bushwhacker whose wild wilderness tendencies and lusty bites into virgin forests are unlikely to lead to a naturist tryst

On Golden Swamp is about a moon-struck maxilliped (the usual crusty sort on the outside but a bit of a warm whangdoodle on the inside) and a leaflorn loadstone (played by a 5,000 year-old fossil) whose dead-pan performance is sure to stun an enchanted audience into a well-deserved respose of the soul (somewhere far far away in an equally despondent universe).

Contributed by: Chisholm T. Maulstick, (from Two-Dot, Montana), an enigmatic, semi-colon sort of person whose eclectic contributions to humanity include a school science project on the at-risk behavior exhibited by siblings of badgers with poor-parenting skills, tips on how to build a fool-proof heffalump hutch, and where to find the best private collection of kewpie dolls in the world

COOKIE-COOTIE

2004-10-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

cookie-cootie (n.) one who bite biscuits with ease but has some difficulty with dust bunnies and speeding bullets

e.g., A little miffed at the latest applicant to the pearly gates of heaven who demanded three wishes: (1) an apprenticeship with the Cookie-Monster (2) a date with a Hostess Twinkie and (3) a ton of S’mores Bars, ...St. Peter replied thoughtfully, "Hold on there cookie-cootie -- we've got cutbacks up here, so you'll just have to make do with reheated angel-food leftovers."

Contributed by: Martha Butter-Fingers, syndicated foodie talk-show host, former member of the "Wicked Witch Coven" and celebrated author of, “The Gourmet Goblin – How to Make Scream Cuisine from Halloween Left-Overs”

TAVERN-TORTOISE

2004-10-28T09:16:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

tavern-tortoise (n.) a member of the tippling species (genus Befuddlemis) whose sub-categories include: boomer-barflies, lounge-lizards, hooch-hounds and pub-crawlers

e.g., The tavern-tortoise carefully examined his preprandial options: (1) a tryst with a loop-legged bar stool, (2) a clandestine affair with a squiffy cork-screw, (3) an alluring weekend fling with a bubbly bottle-opener – none of them seemed to jibe with his loose-fitting flotsam attire (namely a short jerkin), his penchant for pickles (gherkins to be exact), his jerry-built motor bike (with two training wheels), and his recently diagnosed co-dependent, anxiety-prone personality disorder (usually referred to as “the jimjams”).

Contributed by: Jequirty Upwey, a maudlin, night-light sort of person, and barista buzz boy at the Irish-Coffee Club, (Oostburg, Wisconsin)

GALLEYGLOP

2004-10-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

galleyglop (n.) euphemism meaning a burnt sea biscuit that’s none the worse for wear

“Give me galleyglop or give me death!” replied ‘Digby Dagger’, (a part-time pirate and rakish paramour of par-boiled roasted turnips, grilled watercress, and lightly-simmered acorns garnished with a dollop of dung-beetle jam on a slice of 100% multi-grain dry toast).

Contributed by: Tivoli Wallraff, a short-order cook at “The Ten-Course Greasy Spoon Cafe” in Clatsop (Oregon), and unrequited lover of clandestine winks, pop-tarts, and silk boxer shorts

UMBOT

2004-10-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

New addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

umbot (n.) the breathtakingly bewildered or utterly blank look on the face of a blutterbunged soul

e.g. “Of course I’m d-d-delighted to see you again,” the underwhelmed umbot stammered, “...I just thought a Goosebump Bubble Bath and a bowl of Crispy Bat's Wings with Mushy Green Mash might be more tempting than afternoon tea and crumpets followed by a three-hour lecture by Professors Tit Wing Lo and Potchefstroom van Loo on The Quantum Mechanics of Whooshing and the Dilemmas Posed by Leapfrogging Black Holes.”

Contributed by: Jean-Jacques Bacon-Tacon, certified pest control officer and volunteer pin-ball machine installation and repair technician from Floyds Knobs, Indiana

PANTURGE

2004-10-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Panturge (n.) the delightful deity behind all close-fitting, gender-neutral, long drawers and well-intentioned but rather fashionably short if not urbane indiscretions

e.g., If it were not for Panturge thought Matilda, (a cerebro-atmospheric person of size), she probably would not have taken a fifth glance at Bartholemew, (who appeared to be a slightly larger-than-life ginger-bread creationist with a penchant for gratuitous liquor but an altogether very low-on-the-totem-pole status in SOPS – Sanctimonious Order of Pratfallers & Satyrs).

Contributed by: Thumbelina Eudora Dworkin-Sitwell, stay-at-home mother, former editor of an Arizona-based literary journal entitled, Dust Tracks on a Road Going Nowhere, and currently, President of the "Save the Hyphen Society of America"

STRATOCUMULORT

2004-10-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

stratocumulort (n.) the mumbling sort who walks furtively about, (with his heavy head firmly planted in some puffy dark clouds), inquiring about where to find jumbo bumbershoots, golden parachutes, and the latest weather conditions on Mars

e.g., The sibilant stratocumulort entered “The Temple of Tenpenny Truth & Miscellaneous Stuff” with but one thing on his misplaced mind – how to propitiate the "Deity of Do-Nothing & Piss Poor Performance" and save his sorry skin from the "Flatulating Fickle Finger of Fate Fairy".

Contributed by: Richard Hensleigh Bladdertangle, a renowned landfill anthropoligist, part-time significant other person, and author of a prodigious picture-book entitled, Sports and Pastimes of the People of Driftpile (Alberta), Druid (Saskatchewan), and Goobies (Newfoundland)

PEEK-A-BOOIST

2004-10-21T11:20:00.000-07:00

New addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

peek-a-booist (n.) one who writes politically-correct bafflegab, gender-neutral claptrap, and user-friendly twaddle for the purpose of such things as enhancing the “transparency” rating of shatter-proof glass institutions, or ensuring the “accountability” of displaced stone-throwers enrolled in a government-funded, alternative career path exploration program designed to meet the growing demands of employers in the increasingly complex and competitive world of digital smoke alarms, telemarketing cube farms, and "smart"-talking vanity mirrors

e.g., The peek-a-booist returned to his high-priority, poppycocking tasks for the day: 1) writing a policy paper on how to manage the growing risk to public health posed by homeless dust bunnies, 2) editing an urgent press release regarding random acts of reverie caused by rogue thermometers, and 3) preparing a minister's briefing note on the status of unexplainable wads of tissue paper hanging from fake tree limbs in the Parliamentary Press Gallery; (apparently an odd farewell gesture but nevertheless esteemed token of misplaced affection left by a visiting Head of State, one Dr. Xamba Q. Dar, a former investment banker, amateur taxidermist, and professional pony player from the little-known Republic of Bling-Bling).

Contributed by: Pocatello Pico-Rivera, M.B.A., Ph.D., School of Public Affairs and Private Peccadillos, The University of Weeds, South Essex

FIDDLE-FADDLEMUS

2004-10-17T13:23:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

fiddle-faddlemus (n.) a spotless, suave, and sophisticated stick-in-the-mud who can’t shoot pool, can’t howl at the moon, and can’t even carry a blessed tune

e.g., The flat-footed fiddle-faddlemus found solace in a deserted dog-house, where he pondered about the merits of signing up for a popular, low-impact fitness and stress-busting course called, “Potty Golf for Beginners”, or enrolling in a continuing education breakfast seminar on “Risks Associated With Joining the Slow Food Movement”.

Contributed by: Bartleby Quinker (a cosmic waste reduction design engineer, asteroid pay-load landing specialist, and recreational polyglottist)

HOGGOBLONIST

2004-10-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

hoggoblinist (n.) any prominent bugbear whose hogwild, hobnobbing days with the hog-tied hoi polloi, (in a hoity-toity, if not sometimes higgledy-piggledy manner), invariably qualifies him as the right candidate for any left-of-center, middle-of-the-road, mind-boggling political party

e.g., The Piglet Party of the New World (PPNW) announced yesterday that its candidate in the constituency of Leading Tickles, (a well-known stronghold of hard-line heffalumps), would be Dr. Porfer Poog -- a newcomer to the ranks of the hoggoblinists with a “hot” if not peppy music video that’s sure to impress hard-to-reach vapidly-minded voters, and stay-at-home pachyderms demanding more vaudeville acts on the parliamentary debate TV channel.

Contributed by: Pishpek Frunze, a retired hot-water meter maid and the only amateur juggling unicyclist in the Knud Rasmussen Land winter festival (in Northern Greenland just north of Baffin Bay)

TOSHPOT

2004-10-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

toshpot (n.) a mish mash of gobbledygook that could be mistaken for a hodge-podge if it were not for the mysterious combination of unknown ingredients that makes it go snap, cackle and plop

e.g., To the uninitiated eye of a heffalump, the toshpot had more going for it than the crummy empty jar of honey left behind by a crass care bear, a picayune pig and a host of gluttonous folk from "The Friends of the Forest Society".

Contributed by: Jespina Jones, (a disgruntled damsel-in-distress) who, having skipped childhood fantasy tales, now relies on pulp fiction to fulfill her vicarious living needs.

XXL-DRAGON

2004-10-17T08:50:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

XXL-Dragon (n.) a brash, bombastic, fiery, in-your-face, fleet-of-foot, heavy-handed, self-righteous, globe-trotting peacekeeper for hire that has clearly outgrown his usefulness as a household pet

e.g., “If you don’t let me sit in your lap, I’ll blow your wig off”, said the mild-mannered, smooth-talking XXL-Dragon as he peered down at the wretched burbling robot from AATGASOLITU (The Academy of All Things Great And Small Or Lost In The Universe).

Contributed by: Bob Sub-Etha-Net-125 (formerly of the Gagrakacka Mind Zone)

NIPTUAL

2004-10-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

niptual (n.) a marital mistake that comes back to bite one unexpectedly

e.g., “Love to hear more about the lethal little thing – the niptual – I mean”, said the shrink soporifically as the vexed vampire droned on about an encounter with trilobites, trolls and tosspots, not to mention the telltale signs of a sticky wicket, handsome hickey business deal gone wrong.

Contributed by: Delores Fortunata Pontypriddy (an ambidextrous unisex hairstylist and casual tarot-card reader at the Now-I-Lay-Me-Down-To-Sleep Bed & Breakfast in Rusty Pond Siding, Newfoundland)

MARGIN OF MANOEUVREABILITY (MOM)

2004-10-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Margin-of-Manoeuvreability (MOM) (n.) the shortest distance between a fib and a little white lie

e.g., The philandering, prevaricating politician casually inquired about the price of pot in Port Alberni, if MOM could provide a logical rationale for a ticklish trip with a weather pixie to the North Pole, and whether an incontinent peccadillo with a potty gardener at Government House would compromise his re-election campaign as the Senior Senator from Spuzzum responsible for the "Somnambulant State of Affairs" portfolio.

Contributed by: Rear Admiral (Ret. Her Majesty's Royal Navy) Benjamin Barel Dort

TITTYNOPER

2004-10-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

tittynoper (n.) not your average, nippy, noisy naysayer

e.g., The tittynope, not one for simpering small talk or saucy chinwagging, stuck to less contentious subjects of conversation such as the merits of fake furs, 45+ sunscreen, and digital alarm clocks without snooze buttons.

Contributed by: Hari Donkiboi (a creative loafing consultant at the Beldame Beach Club in Shag Harbour, Nova Scotia)

SNITUM

2004-10-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

snitum (n.) one who's missing the caring and compassionate gene found in all angels

e.g., Scientists discovered the origin of her vampire lifestyle was probably snitum.

Submitted by: Lljubljana Peever, a salty sentimental scribe, (from Bird-in-Hand, Pennsylavania not far from the throbbing heartland of America), who is deeply attached to dotting her i's and crossing her t's, not to mention watching her p's and q's as she had been taught to by her devoted teachers at the School for the Daughters of Certified Limousine Drivers in Lauzon, Switzerland.

SNITKITTEN

2004-10-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

snitkitten (n.) a testy pussy-footer

e.g., The snitkitten's paltry performance was witnessed only by a bald bouncer wearing sapphire-studded suspenders, a well-heeled herd of lemmings and a risqué robot.

Contributed by: Beatrice Tippecanoe, a cantankerous cactus grower and part-time cliff-dweller at the Tonto National Monument in south central Arizona just east of a sun-belt and pina colada place called Phoenix

PECKSNITIAN

2004-10-17T08:27:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

pecksnitian (n.) one who inquires politely about your health while casually crushing your toes with his hobnailed boots

e.g., The profoundly pithy pecksnitian quickly toasted the belching bride and the grunting groom before commencing his tantalizing soliloquy on unforgettable passages from the classic spellbinder, The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book, by Ed and Stevie Baldwin.

Submitted by: Moosehead Poffenberger, a conservative cigar-smoking crooner from Baie des Ha! Ha! (Quebec), whose penchant for foolhardy feats like walking on water, egg-shells and hot coals got him nominated as a Saint.

KINKLE

2004-10-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

kinkle (n.) one whose snout has been far too long in a snuff-box for his own good

e.g., To everyone's surprise, the kinkle, (with his nose slightly out of joint), was obliged to decline a "happy hour" invitation from a fellow carpet knight in favor of a secret rendezvous with a voluptuous platter of ladyfingers.

Contributed by: Desdemona Dwimmercraft, (a taxidermist, part-time tinkle-pantry painter, and casual sculptor of saucy Victorian garden ornaments)

KETTLE OF FISHERS

2004-10-17T08:19:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

kettle of fishers (n.pl.) a breathtakingly back-biting bunch of belching boat rockers in need of a positive lifestyle change

e.g., "If it leaks, smells, and has a full head of steam, it's probably a kettle of fishers" replied the deep-thinking picktooth, sultry gigolo and casual pet-astrologer.

Contributed by: Anhondo Smith (a professional paramour/pet groomer, and Honorary Member of the Catch-22 Collective)

A WAFFLE OF WEASEL WORDS

2004-10-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

Or, how to impress someone with your mastery of piffling puffery

Weasel words are part of a popular past-time among truculent tergiversators and red-herring practitioners.

Evasion of the truth, or stretching it beyond all recognition is the forte of spin-doctors . It's a wonderful technique that relies upon the use of intentionally vague or ambiguous expressions designed to lead Little Red Riding Hoods down the proverbial prevaricating path.

Weasel words get their name from the weasel's habit of sucking the contents out of an egg without breaking the shell. While weasel words come in all shapes and sizes, they share at least one thing in common -- a knack for bluffing the audience into believing that the Emporer is wearing titillatingly trendy togs when in fact his blessed birthday suit leaves a lot to be desired.

Here are a few waffling weaselisms for your reading enjoyment.

"harm reducers" -- a polite term for community health nurses who ride about in coffee wagons dispensing prophylactic devices, clean syringes, and low-carb candy bars to temporarily displaced inhabitants residing in marginal areas.

"high-performance essentially impermeable latex barriers" -- a polite term for a condom that may also be lubricated, ribbed, or ultra-thin to deliver a virtually orgasmic experience to the owner.

"a little bit pregnant" -- a colloquial term for a small glitch in the fairytale about immaculate conception.

"organized sponteneity" -- journalistic jargon for the impromptu blurts that keep viewers glued to a televised political debate between a left-of-centre lemming and a right-leaning troll.

"non-pedular venom delivery agent" -- technical term for any serpent who resides in an apple consumed by Adam and friends who haven't a clue about the snippet of chaos, touch of distaster, or morsel of full-blown mayhem that will befall them in the Garden of Eden.

There are many more deliciously devious words in our lexicon of ludicrous lulus. So, next time you're faced with a dull meeting or a boring party...liven it up with a few of your own juicy weasel words. After all, it's never too late to practice a moment or two of delightful dupery.

"PICKTOOTH" AND "BLASTED CHURCH"

2004-09-26T09:34:00.000-07:00

Today is brought to you by "Picktooth" (and a bit of "Blasted Church")

The days of our lives are often a tad boring if not downright flatline.

So, if you find yourself in a funk -- the python next door has squeezed the living daylights out of your pet rock, the tuning fork has run away with your spoon, and your palm-pilot has taken a nose dive in a pond leaving you rudderless without your "to do" list or for that matter your address book -- it's time to throttleback!

Besides "tossing the turkeys" in your life, you need to unpack your long-forgotten magic memories and enjoy a pleasurable "picktooth" period for a change. After all, 'leisurely moments' (aka picktooth time) can also include lost-in-reveries. If this is not your style, chuck "the bear went over the mountain" routine and try something else.

Remember, there is no one "right" way to cultivate or harvest a "picktooth" moment. Just tap into universe and let your mind wander into something curiously creative, utterly time-wasting, and undeniably fun for you.

To start the process, don your not-a-care-in-the-world cap, turn on your mood-music for mastadons, and pour a glass of Blasted Church white wine. Then let your puckish "picktooth" patterings or your engaging encounters with a pikka-bird unfold right before your very eyes, you delightful little munchkin you!

__________

For more fun, take a wee peek at http://www.pseudodictionary.com

And to order that special bottle of bubbly, check out the "Nice Nose and Spicy Labels" of the Blasted Church winemakers at http://www.blastedchurch.com

TWEE DEUM

2004-09-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Twee Deum (n.) any breathtakingly boring rendition of a soppy serenade (sung slightly off-key) by a bouncy, bare-midriff, hip-hugging tweeny-something who hogs centre-stage on a live-TV talent show

e.g. The judges agreed unanimously, "A blood-curdling yodel by a renegade vampire would be a welcome relief from the tone-deaf trills and twaddle of this Twee Deum."

Contributed by: Hamish McBucksnort , a former caber-tossing, kilt-wearing gentleman farmer from Grizzly Bear's Head & The Lean Man, Saskatchewan (somewhere smack dab in the middle of nowhere anyone's heard of lately).

WEIRD WORDPLAYS (TEST #1)

2004-08-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This little test should not be undertaken if the reader is experiencing ennui, fruitless longings, or self-flaggelation tendencies. (That eliminates a good 80 percent of readers already -- what a relief. Now that leaves the remaining 20 per cent of loose screws, dingbats, and dweebs who are eager to inherit the world of mirth and merryment).

INSTRUCTIONS: Please read carefully.

1. Make sure you have donned your "thinking cap" (or alternatively a "dunce cap" as the case may be), and be certain that it is firmly in place. After all, we really don't want any brain droppings spilling all over everything and making a very unsightly mess, now do we.

2. Record your answers (using any delightful digital device you wish, including a pencil).

3. When finished, check the correct answers at the bottom of the test. (If you can't find the bottom of the test, or the answers...you should probably find another means of wasting your time and mine).

TEST: (All answers have questions, your job is matchmaking them... so get to it!)

1. AUSLANDIC
(a) descriptive of any holiday that begins on a Monday
(b) descriptive of a holiday commemorating Nincompoops, Nobodies & Nitwits
(c) of, or relating to, a celebration honoring people of snow
(d) of, or relating to, the theme song of engineers and patriarchs, “We are the world”
(e) no such word

2. AUTODYNAMO
(a) a hotbot on wheels
(b) a hotbot with training wheels
(c) one who thinks reinventing wheels is fun
(d) anything that starts out with a sizzle and ends with a fizzle
(e) no such word

3. BATTLE-AXION
(a) a board game for wicked word wenches
(b) a heated on-line discussion with no end in sight
(c) a self-propelled vehicle with oversize tires for use on sandy beaches
(d) an unanticipated result that gives rise to a condition of success-impairment
(e) no such word

4. BILLYCOCK
(a) a blue-movie billposter
(b) a cast-off stich in knitting
(c) a dashing derby
(d) a fish with long slender jaws
(e) no such word

5. BITING LOUSE
(a) a wingless insect with precious little going for it
(b) a philandering trickster with a gourmet appetite
(c) the part of a bridle inserted in the mouth of an ungulate
(d) a two-winged fly that makes a vigorous whirring sound when landing
(e) no such word

6. BITTOCK
(a) one with small buttocks
(b) one who talks foolishly, excessively or indiscreetly
(c) a device for biting the hand that feeds it
(d) a small portion (of anything, everything, or possibly something)
(e) no such word

7. BLADDERNUT
(a) one who visits the tinkle pantry frequently
(b) a small tree (with nothing much going for it)
(c) a foul-tasting, crunchy, inedible thing
(d) name of a popular pub
(e) no such word

8. BLADDERWORT
(a) one who complains bitterly about everything
(b) an aquatic plant with an insect trap
(c) an aquatic insect that walks on water
(d) a non-performing asset
(e) no such word

9. BLELLUM
(a) a lazy talkative person
(b) a bleeping cell-phone
(c) one who blathers and blusters without consideration for others
(d) a mass of living stuff capable of growth and differentiation
(e) no such word

10. BLITHERSKITE
(a) lacking in warmth or kindness
(b) a strong whiskey or spirit
(c) a place that sells intoxicants illegally
(d) a contemptible person who speaks nonsense
(e) no such word

ANSWERS: 1 (e), 2 (e), 3 (e), 4 (c), 5 (a), 6 (d), 7 (b), 8 (b), 9 (a), 10 (d)

INTERPRETATION:

-- If you scored all 10 correctly - you're either a flaming genius or a damn know-it-all (neither of which will get you the brass ring into heaven).

-- If you scored more than 5 correctly (you can pass go and collect a "Get Out of Jail Free Card". You never know when that'll come in handy!)

-- If you scored less than 5 correctly (you can join the other folks on tiny stools sitting with their backs facing outward. Remind you of the penalty box back in school :- ( ah quit whining!)

QUIDNUNC

2004-08-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

A tiny titillating tidbit of forgotten English...

While perusing the latest addition to my bookshelf entitled, The Word Museum - The Most Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten, by Jeffrey Kacirk, I came across a charming if not fanciful word, "quidnunc".

The letter "Q" has always been near and dear to my heart, being The Quipping Queen of course. Naturally any word that begins with a "q" is bound to grab my attention. And, all the more so because I had absolutely no idea just what on earth a "quidnunc" was anyway.

According to my esteemed friend Jeffrey, a "quidnunc" is "an inquisitive person, always seeking for news." The Latin translation of quid nunc means "What now?". So for all of us who haven't a clue what comes next..."quidnunc" sounds like a pretty good choice doesn't it. Besides, using this word in one's daily speech will either bemuse or baffle the listener. This will afford a "quidnunc" the occasion to go off on a tangent like any inquisitive sort should do under the circumstances. More to the point, curiosity may have killed a few cats but it certainly will not crush a quidnunc!

Where was I? Ah yes...well being a bit of a quipping quidnunc myself, I ventured further into one of my favorite tomes, Websters Ninth New College Dictionary, the authoritative source on all things really, really important (like supersize fries, Hollywood stars, and the latest bargains at Wal-Mart ...just kidding!).

According to Merriam-Webster & Friends, the word "quidnunc" (which originated in 1709) means "one who seeks to know all the latest news or gossip: BUSYBODY". Hmmm...busybody also conjures up such rich epithets as a 'Peeping Tom', a 'Nosy Parker', a snooper or a rubberneck.

Frankly, I think my American friends have taken a lot of liberty by adding a pejorative interpretation to the original meaning. However, it might also explain why so many virtual voyeurs can be found rivetted in front of their TV sets 24/7. Yup...there they are...all watching the latest sale items on the shopping channel, shocking headlines on the news junky channel, extreme sports on the armchair athletes' channel, reality entertainment for the bored-to-death babyboomers' channel, and late night talk show channels for the snooze alarm-deprived and the ignoramusly-impaired. In my humble opinion however, the "busybodies" aren't the boob-tube-challenged. The last time I looked, I thought it was the glib, greedy advertisers who kept butting in on the latest bit of botch or burlesque masquerading as "content" in these 'world-class' sideshows.

Methinks it's high time for the "quidnuncs" to come out of their closets and cube farms. Let's get off the couches and into the coffee houses I say... where at least we can practice flapping our gums together in harmony with the rest of the human race!

Better yet, why not form the Institute for the Ressurection of Quidnuncs (IRQ) as a positive contribution to global warming. Just think of it...what a grand opportunity to hold a giant international hug fest where we can all sing "Koombyah", "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands", and "Puff the Magic Dragon"! It's already sending cheap thrills up and down my spine!!

...This merry message has been brought to you today by the Weird Word Wench. So tune in again soon for another installment from The Wordium (where lost words find new meanings and new words find lost meanings or whatever).

________

For those of you who want to know more about The Word Museum, The Most Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten by Jeffrey Kacirk, try: http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/B00008ANER/ref=sib_dp_pt/002-4830209-8510418#reader-link