Friday, August 27, 2004


WARNING: This little test should not be undertaken if the reader is experiencing ennui, fruitless longings, or self-flaggelation tendencies. (That eliminates a good 80 percent of readers already -- what a relief. Now that leaves the remaining 20 per cent of loose screws, dingbats, and dweebs who are eager to inherit the world of mirth and merryment).

INSTRUCTIONS: Please read carefully.

1. Make sure you have donned your "thinking cap" (or alternatively a "dunce cap" as the case may be), and be certain that it is firmly in place. After all, we really don't want any brain droppings spilling all over everything and making a very unsightly mess, now do we.

2. Record your answers (using any delightful digital device you wish, including a pencil).

3. When finished, check the correct answers at the bottom of the test. (If you can't find the bottom of the test, or the should probably find another means of wasting your time and mine).

TEST: (All answers have questions, your job is matchmaking them... so get to it!)

(a) descriptive of any holiday that begins on a Monday
(b) descriptive of a holiday commemorating Nincompoops, Nobodies & Nitwits
(c) of, or relating to, a celebration honoring people of snow
(d) of, or relating to, the theme song of engineers and patriarchs, “We are the world”
(e) no such word

(a) a hotbot on wheels
(b) a hotbot with training wheels
(c) one who thinks reinventing wheels is fun
(d) anything that starts out with a sizzle and ends with a fizzle
(e) no such word

(a) a board game for wicked word wenches
(b) a heated on-line discussion with no end in sight
(c) a self-propelled vehicle with oversize tires for use on sandy beaches
(d) an unanticipated result that gives rise to a condition of success-impairment
(e) no such word

(a) a blue-movie billposter
(b) a cast-off stich in knitting
(c) a dashing derby
(d) a fish with long slender jaws
(e) no such word

(a) a wingless insect with precious little going for it
(b) a philandering trickster with a gourmet appetite
(c) the part of a bridle inserted in the mouth of an ungulate
(d) a two-winged fly that makes a vigorous whirring sound when landing
(e) no such word

(a) one with small buttocks
(b) one who talks foolishly, excessively or indiscreetly
(c) a device for biting the hand that feeds it
(d) a small portion (of anything, everything, or possibly something)
(e) no such word

(a) one who visits the tinkle pantry frequently
(b) a small tree (with nothing much going for it)
(c) a foul-tasting, crunchy, inedible thing
(d) name of a popular pub
(e) no such word

(a) one who complains bitterly about everything
(b) an aquatic plant with an insect trap
(c) an aquatic insect that walks on water
(d) a non-performing asset
(e) no such word

(a) a lazy talkative person
(b) a bleeping cell-phone
(c) one who blathers and blusters without consideration for others
(d) a mass of living stuff capable of growth and differentiation
(e) no such word

(a) lacking in warmth or kindness
(b) a strong whiskey or spirit
(c) a place that sells intoxicants illegally
(d) a contemptible person who speaks nonsense
(e) no such word

ANSWERS: 1 (e), 2 (e), 3 (e), 4 (c), 5 (a), 6 (d), 7 (b), 8 (b), 9 (a), 10 (d)


-- If you scored all 10 correctly - you're either a flaming genius or a damn know-it-all (neither of which will get you the brass ring into heaven).

-- If you scored more than 5 correctly (you can pass go and collect a "Get Out of Jail Free Card". You never know when that'll come in handy!)

-- If you scored less than 5 correctly (you can join the other folks on tiny stools sitting with their backs facing outward. Remind you of the penalty box back in school :- ( ah quit whining!)