Thursday, November 08, 2007


Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

sintillation: (n.) a tingly feeling in the toes common to tarty hearts and clowns who let their foot slip one too many times

As Esmerelda Henchwench, (a precocious primrose pathfinder and picayune polyglot of some renown whose favorite perfume is "musk turtle"), approached her panting paramour, (a chap by the name of Herman Ludwig Ferdinand von Heliogabalus whose pastimes include riding hobbyhorses, tossing tiddlywinks in a pot, and flipping blades in a mind-numbing game of mumblety-peg), she realized that the last time she had partaken of a role in the hay with Herman, he had worn silver spurs which besides leaving a great welt on her backside also caused severe sintillation in her excited extremities requiring the immediate attention of three physicians, her personal astrologer, and a frigging farmer, (the latter arrived on the scene with a pitchfork in hand that did little to relieve her agonizing anxiety).

Contributed by: George Mushroom-Cloud, a delightful duckhunter and music-box collector from Teaneck, New Jersey, home of such famous people as actress, Sarah Jessica Parker (Sex and the City) and mobster, Mickey Featherstone (now in the Witness Protection Program).

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Sunday, January 07, 2007


Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

flatterchatter: (n.) descriptive of one with an incredible if not insatiable appetite for all forms of adulation, praise and recognition; (note: if the eyes are bigger than the head, it’s a dead-giveaway)

e.g. Before sitting down at her desk as supervisor of a state-of-the-art, brand-name, bagless, self-cleaning, upright vacuum Customer Service Center, Francine Frogworthy took a moment to reflect on life and adjust her durable, rechargeable, long-life battery lit, rust-proof, user-friendly titanium tiara with a high gloss finish featuring an embedded portable MP3 player including a built-in noise canceling system, digital mega bass and enhanced sonic performance not to mention a cordless phone with Call-Waiting/Caller ID, a do not disturb and mute button, a 40 name and number memory, melody ring tones, not to mention a VIP alert service and three snug-fitting, soft-silicone, full-range earbuds plus a color-coordinated, integrated, detachable neck strap; although much to her surprise she had to admit that today she was feeling a tad morose in the absence of her daily dose of flatterchatter provided by the minor minions reporting to her.

Contributed by: Wickwillow Tump, a distributor of tear resistant, odor absorbent, leak-proof training pads for pooches and seasonal resident of North Piddle (Worcestershire).

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Friday, December 22, 2006


The newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

darwhimian (adj.) descriptive of a unique psychological or physiological trait that makes one different, odd, or strange with but one redeeming feature, that it provides a distinct advantage over the other critters found on the totem pole of life

e.g. According to Dr. Friederich Forefinger, an eminent authority on The Darwhimian Theory of Evolution, there are far too many foibles of the fanciful forest to keep track of these days, espcially since the onset of a phenomenon known as "the galloping glut of glee" which has had a deleterious effect upon unfortunate or undeniably unusual creatures such as those with a peculiar proboscis like Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed Reindeer, a hide-bound heffalump who casually parades about as a pink elephant, a tiresome talking mule, and a flatulating flying pig -- all of whom are biting the dust faster than one can shake a stick at; regrettably however, this eloquent theory does not account for the abundant distribution of undifferentiated asses, bird-brains, donkeys, geese, dumb-oxes, loons, mooncalfs, and turkeys among those occupying the highest position on the tree hugger's favorite trunk of knowledge.

Contributed by: Frances Follygate, a passionate pole-dancer and international chute-de-chute champion (who can't seem to get her lipstick on straight at the best of times); some have attributed these unique talents to the fact that her libation-conscious lineage hails from Little Sodbury (Avon) in the United Kingdom.

Friday, December 01, 2006


Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

comity of errors (n. pl.) a loose sort of social harmony, casual courtesy or fleeting fellowship based on the mutual recognition of bloopers, blunders, boo boos, boners, botch-ups, and bungles.

e.g. The Commander-in-Chief of the famous Swaffham Bulbeck Biscuit Brigade, (known for their exploits in trouncing the tasteless if not truculent “Cookie Monster”), felt quite comfortable in the company of his arch enemy General Whatsit, (Supreme Commander of the Ripplesworth Rum Cake Regiment who once put a dipsomaniac dragon on ice with a dram of Captain Morgan’s); after all they were both bonded by an unusual comity of errors, i.e. big battles that fizzled or went flat as a pancake, an experimental escapade in a foreign land full of flakes, fruitcakes and nuts that deprived them of meat, fish and fowl for a year and obliged them to wear uncomfortable non-leather shoes and unfashionable non-wool clothing – clearly a fate worse than death, and of course, there were more than a few delightful damsel-in-distress deeds that unfortunately landed them in the drink on one occasion and in duck soup on the other, not exactly what one would describe as a thrilling night out on the town with a “timbit”, (a wee doughnut drenched in sugar), and would certainly not qualify either one of them for the prestigious "Best of A Bad Bunch" Award.

Contributed by: Pibsbury Swanibost, a vertically-challenged, vehicle appearance specialist (i.e. a shorter than average car washer), and a committed mycorrhizal fungi collector from King Arthur’s Court, Michigan

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


The newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

umdrum (n.) [um]+[drum] the pregnant pause associated with a pathetic person, a prosaic place, or a thankless thingumy gone thereabouts and that one wishes one had not encountered in the first place; not to be confused with other commonly known pregnant pauses such as "ah", "er", or "uh", or "dram", a small portion of drink that one could consume to forget all about an "umdrum"

e.g. As Sir Prance-A-Lot, (a colorful Carpet-Knight of some renown), approached the curious castle made of Owyhee Idaho spuds containing sugar, corn syrup, coconut, partially saturated vegetable oil plus one or more of the following: cottonseed, soybean, palm, not to mention cocoa powder, chocolate liquor, egg albumen, agar agar, salt, lecithin (an emulsifier), vanillin (an artificial flavor), potassium sorbate (a preservative) and sulfites, he had a nagging umdrum that he should have brought along his pair of spanking new spurs, his favorite hobbyhorse and his swishy swashbuckling sword to ward off any cookie monsters or candy trolls lurking about in the freaking forest run by a sourpuss named "Snow White" and a band of blowhards identified by authorities as "The Seven Deadly Dwarfs".

Contributed by: Sally Spinwam, "Our Lady of Lite Libations", and born-again bartender at the Church of Chuckles located on a highway off-ramp approximately half-way between a destination hot tub in Red Sucker Lake, Manitoba and a tantalizing town in the province of Nova Scotia called "Petoobook", a marvellous Mi'kmaq term meaning "a long dish full of salt water".

Monday, November 27, 2006


Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

freep-sleep (n.) – descriptive of a slumbering state punctuated by the short sharp sounds of sliders and skillsaws in a bed of roses, a fancy fold-away camp cot, or a chic chesterfield; an expression coined by an intrepid Canadian Broadcast Corporation television technician with idle hands and a penchant for the mellifluous melody of a well-worn 'whoopee' cushion

e.g. As Foxy Fladderbister, (better known as "The Bombshell from Ballycumber"), examined the flatus-factor in the food menu at the tastefully appointed Vixen Vegan Restaurant on the corner of Glutt Lodge and Famagusta in Big Beaver, Saskatchewan, she realized that her need her forty winks without freep-sleep looked far more inviting than a plate full of wilted watercress coated in a tarty Tasmanian Devil dressing with a thick layer of fetid-smelling crumbly cheese on top, and a baby-bear-sized bowl of tepid to the taste squash soup garnished with three sticks of cinnamon, two half-baked croutons, and a sprig of fourteen-day-old, organically-grown, non-genetically-modified, atomically-delicious, grassy green parsley (or as Latin-lovers call it, "petroselinum crispum").

Contributed by: Chaucer Oswald-Twistle, (a scallywag of sorts, a part-time CBC clock-watcher, and a downsized miller by trade), has few accomplishments to his name other than feeling “slightly squeamish” about stamp-collecting or, as 14th century English put it, “somdel squaymous of farting”.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

wazoople (n.) a member of the kowtowing, mealy-mouthed, apple-polishing, brown-nosing, sucky-faced, toad-eating family of frightfully fawning fruitcakes

e.g. Ruina didn’t know quite what to expect from this blind date, but from everything her friends had told her about the weak-kneed wazoople who occupied cubicle #33 beside the water cooler just three steps away from the ladies’ loo and the vexing vending machine that made stale soup every Thursday, he certainly seemed like a harmless enough fellow; after all, she wasn’t exactly a long-legged, high-stepping, tap-dancing member of the world-famous Radio City Rockettes, but in a pinch she knew how to bat her eyelashes unobtrusively and smile since having her braces removed last week, and could maneuver majestically around a dance floor provided she wore a grade-A girdle, two pairs of pantyhose, and had access to a music map with a built in Global Positioning System lest she lose the beat or her way, whichever came first.

Contributed by: Oughterby Papigochic, a part-time airline baggage-handler from Frying Pan, California who in his spare time just adores leaping onto tables with sword in hand and pulling battleaxes, coats-of-arms, and miscellaneous muskets off the wall in one fell swoom, just to impress anyone who will watch him in the faint hope that they might help him realize his lifelong ambition, to land a walk-on part in a Hollywood horror film.