Wednesday, December 22, 2004


A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

sinthesizer (n.) one who compiles a list of naughty things you’ve done over the past year depriving you of a gratuitous gift from a Scarlet-Tunic Obese Person of Good Cheer, a low-carb chocolate egg delivered by an ADD Easter Bunny, and a plastic bag that won't break, tear or dissolve for 150 years offered as a Father's Day giveaway by a bi-polar personality called, “The Man From Glad'N'Sad”

e.g. The disgustingly obsequious, indelicate front-line superviser (named Bobbie Beehunter), preened her feather boa, plucked her bushwhacked eyebrows, and hit the big red button on her computer keyboard marked “panic” before speaking in a vampy voice into her new-fangled, hands-free-feeding, Panasonic Plain Paper Fax/Copier with Caller-Id to accept a blind-date, (from an email buddy affectionately known as "sinthesiser"), to attend a fundraiser for people with two left feet sponsored by the Botswana Bingo Hall in Camel Hump, Wyoming

Contributed by: Buford Edelweiss Potluck, a casual storm-watcher and certified towel security guard from Uclulet, British Columbia (where all the flakes and fruitcakes live and where wise men are advised never to set foot if they value the hair on their head and chest, or wish to retain their status at the top of the funky food chain)

Monday, December 20, 2004


A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

lotherwitling (n.) a classic tongue-in-cheek, long-in-the-mouth, stick-it-in-your-ear sort of person

e.g. Not wanting to seem too innocent or too eager in courting the lusty loup-garou from Manitou, the lotherwitling flossed his buck teeth, powdered his long flexible snout, and polished his PowerPoint presentation all of which was designed to impress her family members comprised of three thingamybobs, five pepperoni pizza potentates, and one potty patriarch planted ever so precariously on a collapsible lawn chair beside a backyard bathtub filled with gin-flavored hard-pink-lemonade garnished with far too many yellow rubber duckies.

Contributed by: Prud'homme Pontypool, a talented phrase-mongering graduate of Lady Jane's Finishing School for Flatfoots & Flatulators, and now rendering services as a personal digital assistant to a comfortably well-off family from Bucksnort, Tennessee who are proud owners of six flivvers (beyond repair), two venomous vipers (called Adam and Eve naturally), fourteen rabbits (far too many names to recall), and a foul-mouthed parrot, named "F...-off"

Sunday, December 19, 2004


A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Jack-In-A-Pinch (n.) fatuous first cousin of the Fickle Finger of Fate, responsible for creating tempests in teapots, storms in saucepans, and brouhahas in baking dishes

e.g. The Sultan of Small Talk demanded to know why Jack-In-A-Pinch was wreaking havoc with woks while several saucy sex pots (who had little interest in swapping noodle recipes or figuring out where to buy a can of Uncle Willy's Turtle Soup) were sampling far too many glasses of sherry for their own good and making a mess of the sultry soap opera script.

Contributed by: Flabellina Iodinea, a linguistic land-lubber whose many talents include telling the story of the shell-less sea slug to anyone who will listen, (except for children who might be frightened by their hermaphroditic animal behavior not to mention their toxic chemical secretions which send out a strong message, "don't eat me, I taste really bad").

Friday, December 17, 2004


A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Order of the Duffart (n.) title given to anyone who, among other things, frequently sweats bullets while trying to 1) pacify pet rocks with a case of PMS, 2) suck cholesterol from eggs with a straw, or 3) pull chestnuts from a fire without getting burned to a crisp

e.g. The Knave of Three’s-A-Crowd, Sir William Mummelgum, dismounted his toothless gift-horse with as much pomp and circumstance as he could muster, snapped his digits to keep the Goddess of Glitch blissfully out of his hair for the next half hour, and then sauntered nonchalantly into the Court of The Quipping Queen to receive the Order of the Duffart (for his abysmal performance in “Hedge-Creeping”, his bone-crushing draw in “Heel-Tapping”, and his lacklustre defeat in a mindless game of mortless combat called, “Hunt The Whistle”).

Contributed by: Constantine Hair-Wreath, owner of “Cleopatra's Boudoir & Bidet” and long-time resident of Bath Addition, Pennsylvania

Wednesday, December 15, 2004


A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

woeman (n.) one who wears a fragmented halo, a broken heart on his sleeve and a color-coordinated, 10 kilo (22 pound) pity pot which he carries with care under his arm wherever he goes

e.g. The woeman lingered in an odor of sanctity for a moment beside the sacred scriptural stump where he had carved the name of his beloved sea-turtle, "Kiddliwink", into the trunk of the ancient oak tree approximately 139 years and 17 days ago; if only he could reverse the digital grandmother clock time mechanism (that he found on a Fool's gold mother-board while searching for a vintage copy of How to Vamp without Music by A. Nonymous at a flea-market in Lick Skillet, Virginia) and resume his former lascivious life as a congenial call centre operator at a speak-easy in the glitzy galaxy of Bartledania.

Contributed by: James Tangle-Scudmore, a labyrinth maker of some renown and amateur crop-circle investigator from Chipping Ongar (in the 'Old Country')

Sunday, December 12, 2004


A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

battynort (n.) a fly by night sort of fear-factor-less type

e.g. The born-again battynort picked up his pluck and his trusty rattle-bladder filled with genetically-modified, blight-resistant, super-sized peas designed to scare off uninvited guests and wilderness pests, when he noticed a lurid-looking, non-fiction how-to bestseller (lying ever so quietly on the salt flats beneath the hoof of his petulant camel named “Humptulips”) entitled, The Magic of Telephone Evangelism by Harold E. Metcalf published by the Southern Union Conference of Atlanta, Georgia in the year of our Lord 1967.

Contributed by: Borysko Jones, nicknamed ‘Torn Nails’, an environmentally-friendly pulse crop farmer and casual collector of authentically-detailed, easy-to-mount, do-it-yourself inflatable rubber deer heads for rec-room walls, (formerly of Grizzly Bear’s Head & The Lean Man, Saskatchewan but now a happily retired weed-whacker in Skinners Pond, Prince Edward Island)

Thursday, December 09, 2004


A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

chintzy-chin-wagger (n.) one who bends your ear for three hours, blows you kisses, and then has the unmitigated gall to assume that you'll pick up the tab including the seven course victuals plus three chicken wing nappies, two dozen vanity-sized vermouth cocktails, followed by fifty flutes of chilled ice-wine and a plate of exotic fruits and nuts (from the rainforests of the Amazon courtesy of Walmart)

e.g. The chintzy-chin-wagger named Laurence LeGrunt heaved a sigh of relief having avoided a fall from grace into a green with envy gulf, a withering whirlpool of mix-master emotions, not to mention a quirky quagmire filled with churlish chin-up types, disco dancers wearing canary yellow hip-waders, and a band of Freedom-55 rock stars with gluttonous binging habits verging on sour grapes.

Contributed by: Panajotis Glick, "The Elf of Eeek" in a sobriety-awareness scene from A Twisted Christmas Carol performed by the Pooh-and-Punky Players, an amateur troop of ho-ho-ho-ing thespians from Pooh Lake and Punkydoodles Corners, Ontario