Thursday, July 06, 2006


Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

stupendotomy (n.) a firm clamping of the tongue to the roof of one's mouth so as to avoid having to endure the utterance of any super-macho salutations like “yo bro” or mealy-mouthed expressions such as “that’s totally awesome”.

e.g. Before entering the cactus-colored double-door with a green gargoyle conveniently stationed at the entrance, and a blinking neon welcome sign that read, “Lobelia Locoweed, D.D.” , Fritz Fogdog began leafing through some light reading material entitled, Adventures in Food for the Romantic, the Foolhardy, and the Brave, (especially the chapters on "How to Stage a Bacchanalian Orgy" and "A Personal Journey Into Extreme Flatulence") but tossed it aside for a well-worn 1953 atlas appropriately titled, “Strange & Sundry Places To Visit Sometime” which proved infinitely more entertaining if not helpful by ensuring that he had come to the right location to enjoy a spot of tea as it should be, a plate of assorted pigs-in-a-poke, and a smidgen of mangled mood music by the late Quibbling Quartet who passed away suddenly during a freak yoga floor exercise program, ...and just in the nick of time mind you as he realized that he really didn't want a routine gum power-wash, a purple paint job on his two front teeth, or an exciting new procedure called a “stupendotomy”, (recommended by his mirthless mother-in-law not to mention his bow-legged bride-to-be and his bleeping boss - even if it was covered by the company’s doozy of a dental plan).

Contributed by: Regina Snakeroot, a parched, palm-shaded patio-based princess who's known to partake of several thirst-slaking libations before retiring every now and then to her breath-taking boudoir, (equipped with an automatic commercial grade ice crusher in addition to the finest fresh fruit known to man plus a marvellous muddler, a glass cocktail shaker and simply oodles of male muscles all conveniently found in a quaint concupiscent castle near Bar Haven, Newfoundland).