VAULTITUDINARIAN

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

vaultitudinarian (n.) one who is exceptionally gifted at jumping to conclusions in a single bound, without either the need for an excuse or the benefit of a safety net

e.g. Tired of having to constantly check on his culinary creation of grilled goodies (i.e. a herd of woolyless mammoths on bamboo skewers over a wimpy charcoal barbecue) without the aid of his “Thermor Deluxe Remote Thermometer”, the glad-handing gadget guru put down his can of cold beer and buttered baguette long enough to blurt a few butt-bashing blasphemies under his noticeably bad breath just as his next-door neighbor, (a well-known vaultitudinarian from Twitty, Texas), dropped by to offer some timely if not tacky advice on how he used his new “Danesco Beechwood Muddler” to squish the heck out of some barbarous berries, malicious mangos, and kick-ass kiwis thereby gaining a fancy foothold in hip bars and clubs across America not to mention a plush patio party hosted by a pair of celebrity pepper patch lovers with a penchant for pesticide-free green rabbit ears and leftover organically-grown ears of corn on the cob from the fridge.

Contributed by: Willard Murfle Espy, a chronologically-gifted stargazer and rollicking rum-and-coke enthusiast from the tiny town of Tunapuna, Trinidad.