WEIRD WORDPLAYS (TEST #1)

WARNING: This little test should not be undertaken if the reader is experiencing ennui, fruitless longings, or self-flaggelation tendencies. (That eliminates a good 80 percent of readers already -- what a relief. Now that leaves the remaining 20 per cent of loose screws, dingbats, and dweebs who are eager to inherit the world of mirth and merryment).

INSTRUCTIONS: Please read carefully.

1. Make sure you have donned your "thinking cap" (or alternatively a "dunce cap" as the case may be), and be certain that it is firmly in place. After all, we really don't want any brain droppings spilling all over everything and making a very unsightly mess, now do we.

2. Record your answers (using any delightful digital device you wish, including a pencil).

3. When finished, check the correct answers at the bottom of the test. (If you can't find the bottom of the test, or the answers...you should probably find another means of wasting your time and mine).

TEST: (All answers have questions, your job is matchmaking them... so get to it!)

1. AUSLANDIC
(a) descriptive of any holiday that begins on a Monday
(b) descriptive of a holiday commemorating Nincompoops, Nobodies & Nitwits
(c) of, or relating to, a celebration honoring people of snow
(d) of, or relating to, the theme song of engineers and patriarchs, “We are the world”
(e) no such word

2. AUTODYNAMO
(a) a hotbot on wheels
(b) a hotbot with training wheels
(c) one who thinks reinventing wheels is fun
(d) anything that starts out with a sizzle and ends with a fizzle
(e) no such word

3. BATTLE-AXION
(a) a board game for wicked word wenches
(b) a heated on-line discussion with no end in sight
(c) a self-propelled vehicle with oversize tires for use on sandy beaches
(d) an unanticipated result that gives rise to a condition of success-impairment
(e) no such word

4. BILLYCOCK
(a) a blue-movie billposter
(b) a cast-off stich in knitting
(c) a dashing derby
(d) a fish with long slender jaws
(e) no such word

5. BITING LOUSE
(a) a wingless insect with precious little going for it
(b) a philandering trickster with a gourmet appetite
(c) the part of a bridle inserted in the mouth of an ungulate
(d) a two-winged fly that makes a vigorous whirring sound when landing
(e) no such word

6. BITTOCK
(a) one with small buttocks
(b) one who talks foolishly, excessively or indiscreetly
(c) a device for biting the hand that feeds it
(d) a small portion (of anything, everything, or possibly something)
(e) no such word

7. BLADDERNUT
(a) one who visits the tinkle pantry frequently
(b) a small tree (with nothing much going for it)
(c) a foul-tasting, crunchy, inedible thing
(d) name of a popular pub
(e) no such word

8. BLADDERWORT
(a) one who complains bitterly about everything
(b) an aquatic plant with an insect trap
(c) an aquatic insect that walks on water
(d) a non-performing asset
(e) no such word

9. BLELLUM
(a) a lazy talkative person
(b) a bleeping cell-phone
(c) one who blathers and blusters without consideration for others
(d) a mass of living stuff capable of growth and differentiation
(e) no such word

10. BLITHERSKITE
(a) lacking in warmth or kindness
(b) a strong whiskey or spirit
(c) a place that sells intoxicants illegally
(d) a contemptible person who speaks nonsense
(e) no such word


ANSWERS: 1 (e), 2 (e), 3 (e), 4 (c), 5 (a), 6 (d), 7 (b), 8 (b), 9 (a), 10 (d)

INTERPRETATION:

-- If you scored all 10 correctly - you're either a flaming genius or a damn know-it-all (neither of which will get you the brass ring into heaven).

-- If you scored more than 5 correctly (you can pass go and collect a "Get Out of Jail Free Card". You never know when that'll come in handy!)

-- If you scored less than 5 correctly (you can join the other folks on tiny stools sitting with their backs facing outward. Remind you of the penalty box back in school :- ( ah quit whining!)

QUIDNUNC

A tiny titillating tidbit of forgotten English...

While perusing the latest addition to my bookshelf entitled, The Word Museum - The Most Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten, by Jeffrey Kacirk, I came across a charming if not fanciful word, "quidnunc".

The letter "Q" has always been near and dear to my heart, being The Quipping Queen of course. Naturally any word that begins with a "q" is bound to grab my attention. And, all the more so because I had absolutely no idea just what on earth a "quidnunc" was anyway.

According to my esteemed friend Jeffrey, a "quidnunc" is "an inquisitive person, always seeking for news." The Latin translation of quid nunc means "What now?". So for all of us who haven't a clue what comes next..."quidnunc" sounds like a pretty good choice doesn't it. Besides, using this word in one's daily speech will either bemuse or baffle the listener. This will afford a "quidnunc" the occasion to go off on a tangent like any inquisitive sort should do under the circumstances. More to the point, curiosity may have killed a few cats but it certainly will not crush a quidnunc!

Where was I? Ah yes...well being a bit of a quipping quidnunc myself, I ventured further into one of my favorite tomes, Websters Ninth New College Dictionary, the authoritative source on all things really, really important (like supersize fries, Hollywood stars, and the latest bargains at Wal-Mart ...just kidding!).

According to Merriam-Webster & Friends, the word "quidnunc" (which originated in 1709) means "one who seeks to know all the latest news or gossip: BUSYBODY". Hmmm...busybody also conjures up such rich epithets as a 'Peeping Tom', a 'Nosy Parker', a snooper or a rubberneck.

Frankly, I think my American friends have taken a lot of liberty by adding a pejorative interpretation to the original meaning. However, it might also explain why so many virtual voyeurs can be found rivetted in front of their TV sets 24/7. Yup...there they are...all watching the latest sale items on the shopping channel, shocking headlines on the news junky channel, extreme sports on the armchair athletes' channel, reality entertainment for the bored-to-death babyboomers' channel, and late night talk show channels for the snooze alarm-deprived and the ignoramusly-impaired. In my humble opinion however, the "busybodies" aren't the boob-tube-challenged. The last time I looked, I thought it was the glib, greedy advertisers who kept butting in on the latest bit of botch or burlesque masquerading as "content" in these 'world-class' sideshows.

Methinks it's high time for the "quidnuncs" to come out of their closets and cube farms. Let's get off the couches and into the coffee houses I say... where at least we can practice flapping our gums together in harmony with the rest of the human race!

Better yet, why not form the Institute for the Ressurection of Quidnuncs (IRQ) as a positive contribution to global warming. Just think of it...what a grand opportunity to hold a giant international hug fest where we can all sing "Koombyah", "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands", and "Puff the Magic Dragon"! It's already sending cheap thrills up and down my spine!!

...This merry message has been brought to you today by the Weird Word Wench. So tune in again soon for another installment from The Wordium (where lost words find new meanings and new words find lost meanings or whatever).

________

For those of you who want to know more about The Word Museum, The Most Remarkable English Words Ever Forgotten by Jeffrey Kacirk, try: http://www.amazon.com/gp/reader/B00008ANER/ref=sib_dp_pt/002-4830209-8510418#reader-link