SOBNAMBULATE

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

sobnambulate (verb): to walk with an unsteady gate while crying in one's beer

e.g. Every morning in Los Angeles, when the sun comes up, Harry and John meet on a crowded park bench with other citizens (from a nearby discarded toys and electronic gadgets landfill site) to chew the fat, and sobnambulate with a six-pack in hand about life, liberty and today's smog warning before they get down to the business of evaluating reality from a cat's-eye point of view or a burly bear named Ted.

Contributed by: Tristan Pong, a resident of Valentine, Nebraska, and a devoted sci-fi movie fan with an interest in bald eagles wearing ball caps, yodelling bull frogs, and the odd cold plucked turkey or two (make that three please, then it constitutes a comfortable crowd)

ABAGONY

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

abagony (n.) intense pain associated with watching mid-riff bulge muscle workouts on video (knowing full well that one hasn’t a hope in hell of getting past the first lesson)

e.g. After tripping over the toaster this morning, TV shopping channel hostess-with-the-mostest -- Tequila Bellibone -- decided it was high time she faced the music and danced, (although she wasn’t quite prepared for the surprise that arrived in the mail the other day, a vanity video with her name on); now if only she knew how to alleviate the ill-effects of abagony, she’d be a flaming genius or at the very least, a well-heeled, wicked witch on training wheels, ...on second thought, make that a tread mill (a simple but infinitely more pleasurable pastime for those who failed the walk on water, hot coals, and egg shells test).

Contributed by: Michael Thrums, a resident of Spuzzum, British Columbia, a rodent exterminator and an avid collector of odd, if not rather amusing art forms including gargoyles, chamber pots, commodes and heraldic monster garden ornaments or cherubic-looking (although a titch chubby) porcelaine figurines

POCKET-PASSION

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:


pocket-passion (n.) the little plastic pouch of facial tissues that tear-jerking crocodiles carry around with them to dispense at the conclusion of any misguided or mangled affair of the heart

e.g. Although she looked like a duck and waddled a lot, the foul-fragrance aphrodesiac body lotion made of lard boiled from a hog’s pizzle smothered on her web feet suggested perhaps the toad-eater had fallen for the wrong creature …and consequently the pocket-passion ritual, (he usually relied upon to bid a fond farewell to the object of his affection), would undoubtedly be quite unnecessary under these odd, if not ill-fated circumstances, and not to put to too fine a point on it but shall we say could possibly qualify as "a breath-taking blunder into blisslessness"; certainly worthy of a place in the "Guinness Book of World Records".

Contributed by: Throckmorton Jones Esq., humble proprietor of The Merry Muffin-Man, (a tiny tuxedo and tails rental shop) situated in the heart of Deadwood, Texas

WORDPECKER NEWS FLASH!

Or, Washington Post Wunderkins at Work (and Play)

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners.

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign> of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis* (n): A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

__________

*This one got extra credit.