OINKMENT

Newest Addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

oinkment (n.) a serendipitous salve used by mavens of mirth to transform sows’ ears into silk purses

e.g. Bambino Spumante, a veritable vixen of vacuous verbiage and part-time pastry, cookie and pie chef at the Fat Cat Café, had but one thing on her mind … on second thought perhaps it was more like three…which can be difficult to juggle if one’s working in a hot kitchen where creations are apt to come apart, wilt, or even melt (definitely not something that should happen during any politically-correct happy holiday season), which is why she decided that she needed three goofball gizmos or goofing-off gifts for herself such as a “Big Chill Pastry Board” (to cool down the workplace of course), a fragrant jar of oinkment (guaranteed to deliver better results than a pig in a poke), and several superb bling-bling bottles of, “Any Old Tequila Will Do”, “Berry Merry Beer” and “Sourpuss Shiraz” (to dress up her kitschy den and homey watering hole designed to quench the thirst of glockenspiel go-getters, alpenhorn types, and flutophone enthusiasts who can’t hold a note worth tooting about but tell super-sanitized jokes for the cocktail crowd who usually drop by for the piddling entertainment provided by a few potty professors of poetry, a crafty barstool origamist making boozy conversation pieces while others groove to the tunes of “Two Twittering Tenors”, “Chicken Soup & The Dumplings” not to mention internationally-popular DJs such as “Libation Nation” from Nannycatch Meadows in Northern England, and “Hot Sock” all the way from the famed “Sooke Potholes” on the outskirsts of a quaint capital city full of gregarious gnomes and gleaming gardens, better known as Victoria, British Columbia in a cold country affeactionately called C-A-N-A-D-A!)

Contributed by: Pokey Edge, a professional tortoise breeder/racer, and sci-fi super-duper heroine who goes by the pseudonym of “Simone Ganoot-A-Hooter” - Chief Information Officer on a state-of-the-art intergalactic train of thought dubbed “The Answer to Everything”, (instead of its engineering nomenclature, X-Tech-1.047.342.M-Z5.06A.NOV).

REINBEER

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

Reinbeer (n.) the name of the official bubbly brew left by kids to quench the thirst of Santa’s sleigh-pullers leaving them slightly pie-eyed or potty resulting in impromptu shenanigans not to mention oodles of telltale yellow spots in the snow

e.g. As usual, "Donner" and "Blitzen" were complaining about the decline in the value of their stockholdings at the BubblyBewery this year, "Dancer" and "Prancer" were discussing the merits of a new pay-raise package being proposed by the Old World Christmas Creatures Union, "Dasher" was knee-deep in a ridiculous debate with a clueless Canadian politician over the impact of global warming on the vital moss and lichen habitat in the Arctic, "Comet" and "Cupid" were fulfilling their community service obligations by delivering a safe-sex and reproductive health seminar to a group of environmentally-conscious zoo keepers, "Vixen" was clearly quite upset about the shoddy quality of bling-bling for sale at the biggest discount box store on earth and how this might prevent her from winning the coveted “Beautiful Beast” title this year, while last but not least, "Rudolph-the-Red-Nosed-Reindeer" was far too busy sampling the suds, (better known as “Reinbeer”) to give two hoots about the very long night that lay ahead of them ...especially having to listen to a sybaritic fellow named "Santa", (all dressed up in a chartreuse satin suit with sequins and sparkles not to mention white fur trim accessories), and yodelling "Ho-Ho-Ho" wherever he goes!

Contributed by: Gladiola Hiquebran, an avid “re-gifter” of numerous odds and sods, who lives on Jingle Pot Road in the "World Capital of Bathtub Racing", Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada (also known as the Land of Ice & Snow and home to the hugely popular “Ho-Ho-Ho Hunk”!)