FLUMFELT

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

flumfelt (adj.) the anxious, awkward, or aplomb-less feeling one experiences in the pit of one’s stomach after searching vainly for a pair of non-existent car keys in a pocket, a purse, or a padded piece of furniture

e.g. It was a little too soon to tell whether Ziggy Baldwinton (a 40-something, paunchy, poker-faced, pig-skin couch potato) would simultaneously be able to bite his lower lip, unfurl his heavy brow and refrain from pulling his hairpiece off considering the flumfelt manner in which he found himself a mere two minutes before the final 2006 Cow Head Curling Championship game between the DogPond Devils and the Gander Gargoyles (available for the first time via a brand-new gizmo called a “Titovator” better known as an Internet capable, video-streaming, MP3-playing, picture snapping, text-messaging cellular phone come-personal-digital-organizer); so his friends decided to throw an “I Ching” to ask their ancient ancestors from Camel Hump, Wyoming whether they should tentatively tear his place apart (which quite frankly perturbed his free-range pet frog named “Gretel” who didn’t exactly warm up to the idea of life without a bowl of barbecue-flavored low-carb chips, a bonsai tree, and a wall-mounted moosehead to offer sustenance, shelter and a fine opportunity to engage in a bit of cheap, neither-here-nor-there chit-chat).

Contributed by: Delilah Lounsbury-Lovewell, a professional paint-by-numbers art critic and proprietor of the Flying Fig Bed & Breakfast in Lucky Man, Saskatchewan (Canada).

ARTACHOKE

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

artachoke (n.) any piece of truly awful art work that obliges the viewer to gasp, giggle, or gulp involuntarily causing 1) a modest moment of mayhem, 2) a tiny tempest in a teapot or, 3) a rather ripsnorting riot resulting in the laying of a 'public mischief' charge.

e.g. Receiving a black-tie invitation to attend the annual Cheeky Cherub Art Exhibit & Auction to be held on February 14th in Tightwad, Missouri, Uriah Possumneck checked his brown-nosing "to-do list" on his trusty 'Whizbanger', (a nifty new photo, video, graphics, text messaging, email, music playing, personal organizing digital do-it-all device), to see if he had any previous engagements that evening as he couldn’t bear missing the chance to pick up an artachoke for his paint-by-numbers blonde bombshell main squeeze, not to mention two more mundane masterpieces to spruce up the breathtakingly barren washroom walls of the Big Buzzard Bar (located on the 19th hole of the Cheapskate Country Club & Casino); although if truth be told, he didn't really relish the thought of doing a short stint as Master of Ceremonies for this dazzling rubber chicken gala affair unless it came with a "golden parachute" or at the very least a “Get Out of Jail Free Card" for his estimable eupeptic efforts.

Contributed by: Dwayne Crummies, a dedicated refuse recycler and bubble gum baseball card collector from Oven Fork, Kentucky but raised in a comfy little place called Lick Fork (in the same state).