Monday, June 06, 2005


A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

I-Ching-a-ling (n.) a hexagram hussy with a nose for dysfunctional domestic incarceration survivors (also known as "golden girls") who've lost their frigging fortune cookies, can't read wet tea-leaves or hate Tarot cards (and couldn't crack a wishbone if their life depended on it) but, wouldn't mind tossing a few coins in a fountain for good luck in order to find a man with deep pockets, a short memory plus failing eyesight when it comes to putting his 'John Henry' on her next iron-clad, pre-nup agreement, (with a hefty "pay-out" clause for telling the same "previously recounted humorous narrative" more than thrice daily thank you very much)

e.g., Arriving at the "previous employment" section on a job application for "Hot Dog Chef" at a hole-in-the-wall, bow-wow bakery called, "All You Can Eat Emporium of Exotic Things You Really Wouldn't Want to Know Went Into This Pet Food" located in Cat Elbow Corner (New York), Elizabeth Juggernaut, (a casual Be-Muser, an inveterate I-Ching-a-ling from way back and a self-taught funny-bone-expert) decided that it might be in her best interest to leave out her summer stint as a graveyard-shift golf-ball diver at "Barbie's Buns & Boondock Mini-Putt Course" in Knockemstiff (Ohio), her six-month soothsaying sabbatical at "The International Institute of Witchcraft and Wizardry" in Wahoo (Nebraska) where she cast spells, practiced exorcism, and learned how to cause a little mayhem by drawing out the demons in gifted artists, unemployed politicians, and homeless pets ...nor did she think it a wise idea to mention her untimely run-in with a malignant medicine man posing as an auditor in the otherwise reputable chartered accounting firm of "Spank Spit & Smudge LLC" in Zig Zag (Oregon), -- all of which left her with but one clear alternative -- to spill the beans about her erstwhile past as a professional pup-tent-pitcher in Red Sucker Lake (Manitoba), a certified loo inspector in Nether Poppleton, (United Kingdom), and a finger-puppet fashion designing gig that turned into ten years of hard-labor at a sweat-shop called "Hell Hollow" in Tightwad (Missouri).

Contributed by: Jackpot Kokomo, a professional cruiseship shuffleboard player on the Holland America line, and part-time checkerboard player at the Hungry Horse Bar & Grill in Loyalsockville, Pennsylvania