GOOBEROLOGIST

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

gooberologist (n.) a peanut bag inspector hired by petting zoos to ensure proper protocols are followed by pesky pre-pubescent perambulators known to frequent the monkey cages

e.g. As Edwina Trillian and her seventeen solace-inclined siblings stepped out of their baubled, bangled and breathtakingly boring but heavily beaded spaceship christened “Kitschy 50s”, they realized they were in for a postmodern pithy moment if not a subterranean surprise when they were greeted by a sassy shorn sheep with the mutton moniker “Patsy” (who insisted on giving everyone love-bites they didn’t ask for or need), an erudite fallen angel with a bent halo who expounded on the virtues of consuming soy bean nuts and low-carb boneless chicken TV-dinners, and a blue-uniformed, gold-braided gooberologist by the name of General Pouffe (who insisted on searching their duffle bags for five crapping birds, four missing monkeys, three French henpeckers, two taciturn trolls and a merry-impaired munchkin from a nearby petty zoo).

Contributed by: Sigfried Sullied-Truffle, DD (a Doctor of Debottlenecking), a casual daffodil denuder and a noted wishbone expert from the School of Megalophobia (also known as The Fear of Frightfully Big Things Few Have Ever Seen in Their Lives Academy of Learning), located in beautiful downtown Prickwillow.

DASHPOTIMIST

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

dashpotimist (n.) a Chief Cook & Bottle-Washing Pirate whose looting and pillaging days have come to an ignominious end

e.g. Deplaning from his dinghy (equipped with a state-of-the-art, turbo-charged inboard motor for fly-fishing, a Morse-code keypad, and a broad-band digital short-wave radio, not to mention brightly colored, waterproof foam-cushion seat covers), the daring dashpotimist, (known to his barnacle bedfellows as “Pot-Luck Puck”), fidgeted and fretted upon learning that Trillian Tootall, (a funky femme fatale just a titch past her freedom-fifty-five birthday), had lost her lollygagging life during a big flick, big snack and big perk evening out on the town with “The Shiftless Rounders”, “Hang the DJ”, and “Smokin Phats”, (not your average band of bashful boys); needless to say, this bit of niggling news left him with a touch of the blue-devils for the rest of his shoot-finger week aboard a curmudgeonly-oriented cruise ship full of fools, fops and fonkins.

Contributed by: Gwendolyn Dwingalling-Wallraff, a picturesque poppet with 25 years’ experience as an empowering kick-boxer and mud-wrestling champion from Chicken Gizzard, Kentucky, (formerly of "The Magic Angel Chorus-Line & Crumpet Café" in Wimp, California)

POMPASTIC

A new addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

pompastic (adj.) marked by an ability to speak with a silver forked tongue, to shake a pompom vigorously or to operate a megaphone with ease, to work a crowd like a charming pick-pocket, to exploit a captive audience of lemmings, and finally, to come off as a wholesome, energetic, winning soul destined for a place in the sun or at the very least, CEO of all the frigging galaxies in the universe.

e.g. While Peter Piper’s annoying, boorish and oblivious attitude alienated him further from the pouncing paparazzi and his posing-pouch peers, his pompastic schmoozing talents did however allow him to rekindle old friendships with a horde of rampaging teetotalers, and rework some passionate romantic dalliances with several notable poppets of poppycock not to mention babes of bosh, so much so that he found himself making amends with those he’d fallen out with including a cloned shorn sheep known affectionately as “Pork Chop”, Head Nurse Goody Tueschuze (a wild berry jelly addict and a mirthless matriarch) from the Fops N’ Fonkins Home for Seniors, and a free-thinking, earth-bound, fallen angel named Ralph, (who failed to pass the loves and fishes miracle test on the TV shopping channel, thereby squelching his chance to live his dream and true calling as either an ebullient red fire-hydrant or an effervescent school recess monitor.)

Contributed by: Gerard Whassup, a scandalous, limelight-grabbing, artificial limb sales and service representative of Dystopia Inc., (a growth-opportunity, lifestyle performance enhancement and state-of-the-art wellness firm situated in the heart of a Kafkaesque winter wasteland of the future)