NIXPERT

Newest Addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

nixpert (n.) one who is paid to delete expletives, after the fact, from public comments made by very important people whose brazen bit of blankety blank blather was inadvertently broadcast to every one and his dog, proving once again the vital role played by the Booboisie

e.g. As the President of Pancakes, Popcorn & Porkbellies leaned over to ruminate upon a big baloney sandwich recently rescued from a plate of wimpy watercress wedgies, he noticed that his eminent colleague, (a blatherskite from Bubble & Squeak Land) had what appeared to be a stupefied look on his usually misbegotten mug featuring a rather sanctimonious stiff upper lip; he then realized that his blase brand of blurts and bleeping boo boos about how to send unwelcome relatives and vexing visitors packing with the aid of voice-activated whoopee cushions and 'smart' stink bombs would undoubtedly keep the army of nixperts on the government payroll employed for yet another day in the larger than life saga of the greatest grand pooh bah the world had ever known.

Contributed by: Suzie and Shuck Low-Beer, high-school sweethearts from way back then and currently co-owners of the George & Dragon Suds Shoppe, in Dry Prong, Louisiana

POINT-NO-POINT

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

point-no-point (n.) term referring to the gaping gap in logic existing between either side of a completely ridiculous argument that neither has a hope in heck of winning with or without the help of God, the Big Kahuna, or a secular soul better known as The Jolly Green Giant

e.g. Before beginning his lecture on “How to discover the unexpected by avoiding the blooming obvious”, Harry Hobnob B.Sc., M.B.A., Ph.D., (Professor of Piffle & Poppycock Affairs at the noted World Headquarters of Adroitness & Tedious Studies of Innocuous Things (WHATSIT), suggested that his sacred-cow-inspired seminar participants all agree politely to adopt the principles of point-no-point and parenthetical phrases which more often than not forms the foundation of every dreary dialogue and drab debate known to flourish among Men from Venus and Women from Mars who sadly enough spend most of their time engrossed in devil's advocate games not to mention nauseous nights of nit-picking over who serves the best fair trade organically-grown beans or weeds in a very weird world full of frankfurters, sausages and wieners plus excess of backyard BBQs, bleeding hearts, and bow-legged broncobusters.

Contributed by: Sir Gadabout, a part-time prince of platitudes, pleasantries and paltry puffery, who is on vacation somewhere off the beaten track…more accurately described as a pathetically placid place few might ever wish to set foot in, even if Hillary Duff put her tawdry toe on a stage there …Puyallup, Washington.

LICKENTIOUS

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

lickentious (adj.) descriptive of one who is capable of thrusting out his tongue long enough to graze lasciviously over a lollypop or alternatively, sensuously smacking his lips after slurping up a soft ice-cream cone while simulataneously eyeballing a rather fetching piece of arm candy

e.g. The rip-roaring, rip-snorting rutterkin, (also known by his adlubescent acquaintances as a bit of a reelpot at the local Picktooth & Paunch Pub), dismounted from his rebellious rocking horse in either a dringling or a drubbling manner …he couldn’t remember which …just in time to catch a gargantuan glimpse of a blossoming bellibone emerging from the popular Painted Turtle Guest House, (formerly the Waddling Dog Inn for WASPS & Waywards); the good news is that luckily the lickentious lad landed squarely on his flat feet while the bad news is he lost his torrid tequila, hot sauce and black-pepper-flavored candy-on-a-stick during this decidely fruitless if not flapdoodling encounter.

Contributed by: Lothario Limpwater from Sucker Flat, California, a facile cross-cultural character who, though his lute-playing days are over, has fortunately found solace in a recent career change gig as the New-Age author of “A Solitary Sojourn to the Centre of an Egg” - making him a hit at tiny tot birthday party, tasteless tippling tournament, or raucous retirement roast.

VAULTITUDINARIAN

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

vaultitudinarian (n.) one who is exceptionally gifted at jumping to conclusions in a single bound, without either the need for an excuse or the benefit of a safety net

e.g. Tired of having to constantly check on his culinary creation of grilled goodies (i.e. a herd of woolyless mammoths on bamboo skewers over a wimpy charcoal barbecue) without the aid of his “Thermor Deluxe Remote Thermometer”, the glad-handing gadget guru put down his can of cold beer and buttered baguette long enough to blurt a few butt-bashing blasphemies under his noticeably bad breath just as his next-door neighbor, (a well-known vaultitudinarian from Twitty, Texas), dropped by to offer some timely if not tacky advice on how he used his new “Danesco Beechwood Muddler” to squish the heck out of some barbarous berries, malicious mangos, and kick-ass kiwis thereby gaining a fancy foothold in hip bars and clubs across America not to mention a plush patio party hosted by a pair of celebrity pepper patch lovers with a penchant for pesticide-free green rabbit ears and leftover organically-grown ears of corn on the cob from the fridge.

Contributed by: Willard Murfle Espy, a chronologically-gifted stargazer and rollicking rum-and-coke enthusiast from the tiny town of Tunapuna, Trinidad.

STUPENDOTOMY

Newest addition to the Big Book of Bunkum:

stupendotomy (n.) a firm clamping of the tongue to the roof of one's mouth so as to avoid having to endure the utterance of any super-macho salutations like “yo bro” or mealy-mouthed expressions such as “that’s totally awesome”.

e.g. Before entering the cactus-colored double-door with a green gargoyle conveniently stationed at the entrance, and a blinking neon welcome sign that read, “Lobelia Locoweed, D.D.” , Fritz Fogdog began leafing through some light reading material entitled, Adventures in Food for the Romantic, the Foolhardy, and the Brave, (especially the chapters on "How to Stage a Bacchanalian Orgy" and "A Personal Journey Into Extreme Flatulence") but tossed it aside for a well-worn 1953 atlas appropriately titled, “Strange & Sundry Places To Visit Sometime” which proved infinitely more entertaining if not helpful by ensuring that he had come to the right location to enjoy a spot of tea as it should be, a plate of assorted pigs-in-a-poke, and a smidgen of mangled mood music by the late Quibbling Quartet who passed away suddenly during a freak yoga floor exercise program, ...and just in the nick of time mind you as he realized that he really didn't want a routine gum power-wash, a purple paint job on his two front teeth, or an exciting new procedure called a “stupendotomy”, (recommended by his mirthless mother-in-law not to mention his bow-legged bride-to-be and his bleeping boss - even if it was covered by the company’s doozy of a dental plan).

Contributed by: Regina Snakeroot, a parched, palm-shaded patio-based princess who's known to partake of several thirst-slaking libations before retiring every now and then to her breath-taking boudoir, (equipped with an automatic commercial grade ice crusher in addition to the finest fresh fruit known to man plus a marvellous muddler, a glass cocktail shaker and simply oodles of male muscles all conveniently found in a quaint concupiscent castle near Bar Haven, Newfoundland).